Get your Jack Bauer facts straight

[ebpda9]

1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin,
and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd
shoot Nina twice.

2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make
him drink.

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack
Bauer spared your life.

4. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer
Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer
gets played by no man.

5. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a
direct result of
him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still
alive.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He
then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until
he gave up the location of the keys.

7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

8. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was
addicted to Jack Bauer.

9. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a
terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because
that is how often he kills terrorists.

10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer.
Sounds like a fair fight.

11. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully
loaded gun and won.

12. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time.
Wait, that is a real fact.

13. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's
because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve
miles away.

14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle
Eastern men.

15. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you
are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not
feel like carrying you.

16. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert
red. His second favorite color is violet, but just
because it sounds like violent.

17. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to
kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.

18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps
out.

19. Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

20. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after
10:30.

21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just
makes him angry.

22. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says
because if Jack Bauer says something then you better
f*cking do it.

23. The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack
Bauer's gun.

24. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

25. No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a
p*ssy" in a sentence and lived to tel...

26. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

27. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

28. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill
50 Cent.

29. The real reason the Army ditched the "Army of One"
campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

30. Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why?
Because He's a p*ssy.

31. Jack Bauer doesn't urinate or defecate. He
secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals
which can be combined to create napalm.

32. That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack
Bauer's pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to
keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through
fear.

33. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so
they can meet Jack Bauer.

34. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China
not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack
Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

35. Chase wasn't actually in any danger from that
terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand
because that's how he warns all of Kim's boyfriends.

36. Jack Bauer creates an "airtight perimeter" by
yelling at the air and calling it a p*ssy until it
gets its sh*t together and falls in line.

37. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous
penis. That's why he can reach anywhere in the city in
the span of a commercial break.

38. The reason CTU's superiors are called "Division"
is because Jack
Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage
because they
couldn't bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

39. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in
under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative
editing.

40. CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.

41. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be
spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift
without sleep. Lazy ass God.

42. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in
24 hours.

43. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

44. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire
blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

45. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room
together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and
get out.

[VR4_Craver]

Those are pretty good...but Now I must ask who is this Jack guy you speak off?

[Wren57]

http://www.fox.com/24/

[AzCivic]

this fool doesn't have a legacy such as chuck norris, how dare you post such facts that can't be true! and if they are its only because Chuck Norris lets them be true.

[GT40FIED]

I'd be much more inclined to agree if you changed "Jack Bauer" to "Jack Burton" and all references to "terrorists" to "Lo Pan". If you don't know where that comes from, you seriously need to step back and re-evaluate your life.

Fuck Kiefer Sutherland and Chuck Norris. What the hell kind of name is Kiefer anyway?

[AzCivic]

GT you're a movie nerd, lol.

[ChrisCantSkate]

Originally posted by AzCivic
this fool doesn't have a legacy such as chuck norris, how dare you post such facts that can't be true! and if they are its only because Chuck Norris lets them be true.

for real

[GT40FIED]

Originally posted by AzCivic
GT you're a movie nerd, lol.

Why? Because I know the particulars of one of the greatest movies ever made?




But you're right...I am.

[Robert]

I dont watch the show but I found it funny.

[CD5Passion]

[GT40FIED]

Originally posted by Robert
I dont watch the show but I found it funny.

I've never seen it either (how many bad days can one guy have?), but those are pretty good.