Ultimate Pope II World Cardinal Tournament

[Wren57]

I was recently disappointed to learn that there's no Pope John Paul 3 specially trained to take over the controls of The Vatican from JP2. But I was inversely delighted to find out that, instead they fight for it, tournament style. They begin with sixteen contenders (called "cardinals"), until it comes down to the last holy man standing. Then, he will be enshrined in bulletproof glass mobiles, lead in the annual Easter festivities, and thereby be named "Pope [insert name here] II of the Vatican." Let's meet the favorite contenders in the next Ultimate Pope II World Cardinal Tournament:









Francis Arinze - has at least two things going for him: (1) He's black in an age when the catholic faith needs a black pope II. Democrats already know that most of this segment of the population will vote as a block for anything, which makes them a perfect segment to overlook recent taboos. (2) His hat conceals various deadly weapons, of various deadliness, all of which approach very deadly.









Giacomo Biffi, Dionigi Tettamanzi - (seen here being compared to some kind of jester puppet for no apparent reason) His hat, while not seemingly big enough to inflict serious damage, is still quite lethal. See how it consumes a small dog? It is thought to be some sort of alien lifeform from a planet where huge hats are worn upside down and shaped like cardinals.









Dario Castrillon Hoyos, Christoph Schonborn - named back when "Dario" was still cool, and all his other names were still ridiculously excessive, he fights without a hat (an act still frowned upon by the Catholic religion at large). Instead, he skillfully wields this staff with poisonous rotating blades.









Giovanni Battista Re... oh, just "Re" - Has mastered an arsenal of small high-tech hand-to-hand weaponry like heat-seeking throwing stars, explosive nets, and motorized rosaries. He is pictured here trying out new devices with his lead weapons engineer in his secret armory.









Rivera Carrera (from Mexico) - Although not highly skilled in weapon use, he is a formadiblest 6'10" and 400 lbs. of muscle and holy madness. While he has a very good chance to reach the final four, it is doubtful that he'll be able to overtake the more sophisticated cardinals with his brute strength.

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yeah, its that big