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Old 04-29-2006, 12:23 PM   #81
Robert
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Jer, I suspect you have made the right choice and I'm going to say to the contrary whatever has been said pior. Let things fall into place as they may, let her create teh structure to how she will earn your trust back instead of creating it for her. I thinking forcing something on her will only teach her to follow rules instead of repairing the trust.

I wont judge your call on this. It is a marriage and completely different they a gf, no matter how long you've dated.

The part I would struggle with is the trust. Thats something I'm not sure I would know how to rebuild. I'm sure however there are profesionals who know how to help couples rebuild that trust and I would recommend you see those types of people.

After 9 years being together and suspect you cannot imagine your life without her and that is why you've made this call. In your shoes I cannot be sure what choice I would make but I do know I would not making it lightly.

Everyone is going to tell you what he/she would do in your situation and for the most part these people are full of it unless they've walked the path themselves. I suspect most of them would actually do the opposite of what they've told you they would do. So take it all in stride, and work through this situation. YOu made a commitment between you and her, infront of your family and God to be with her through good times and bad. Welcome to the bad times, now is where you have the opporunity to build a relationship stronger then you had before.

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Old 04-30-2006, 01:01 AM   #82
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Jeremy...I hate to say this, but I'm going to have to disagree witn everyone else. I've been in your position before (minus the marriage part...I hope to never be married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone). After a good deal of thought and a lot of talking with friends, I realized that there was no way that the original trust I had with my then-girlfriend would ever be fully restored. I'm sure you came about this decision with no light thought, but is this really a story you want to tell your kids someday? No, I don't think you're crazy or foolish or whatever...I think your judgement is clouded by whatever you want to call love. Since love means different things to different people, I won't try and quantify it here. I'll just say that it makes you acts ilogically and on impulses that don't suit your best interests. You feel compasion for the mate you have chosen...that's natural. However given her actions thus far I'm not convinced she shares that same sense of emotion. Imagine the situation was reversed and you were the woman. Imagine that the breach of trust had not been infidelity, but rather physical abuse. Would you still hang around and bow to the pleas of your partner? Because that's all cheating is...abuse. It's not physical, but it is sure as shit mental abuse. She might as well come up and slap you in the face with the fact that she fucked around on you. If you're willing to second guess yourself every time she goes out for the night, that's up to you. Personally it'd drive me insane which is why once that bond has been broken, no amount of crying over the phone can bring it back.


Steve,

You make valid points, but I can't say that I agree with you. I understand that you've been hurt before. I have as well, this isn't the first time and I can only hope that it is the last. Yes, the trust thing is a big issue but I don't believe that trust can not be rebuilt. Maybe YOU won't let the trust be rebuilt, but that is issues that you personally have to workout. Unfortunately, before you can trust someone else you have to learn how to get ahold of your own emotions and be in control of them. Is it easy? Hell no it isn't! Does it happen over night? Hell no it doesn't? However, I do believe it is possible. If you can't trust anyone that has ever lied to you about something, big or small then you probably don't communicate with many people whether it be friends or family

Can you honestly say that you have never told a lie to anyone whether it be big or small? If you have, think about one of those more serious lies then think about the reason you lied to that person. Should you have lied to that person? Should that person never trust you again, because of that lie?

I think it is safe to say that probably have lied to someone about something at one time in life, whether it was to keep yourself out of trouble or protect someones feelings. Yes it is wrong, but lying doesn't make you a bad person for the rest of your life.

To be completely honest with you. In my mind it was over and convincing myself to even give her another chance was very, very difficult. I definately wouldn't say that it was an impulse move to let her come back home. As a matter of fact, she still hasn't moved her stuff back in yet. The only thing she has here is a bag of clothes and it's been a month. Hell, we are still sleeping on a blowup air mattress. I'm not rushing into anything. I do know though, that I have to work on myself and hope that she is doing what she knows is right. I can't change anyone but myself.

As for just letting her go.. Who is to say the next one will be better? Or the one after that one? I know what the one I have now is capable of, I can only hope that she wants to be with me as much as she says she does.

Nothing against you Steve, it sounds to me that you have personal issues with relationships that you need to workout with yourself. I don't know you, or your history so I'm not trying to judge you, I'm just being honest.

I've seen people rebuild marriages and relationships from situations much worse then what I'm going through. I would have rather tried and failed, then never have tried at all.
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Old 05-21-2006, 09:58 AM   #83
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^ You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I agree with you, however don't think I could over come that.

I have had trust issues with my wife for quite a while (she introduced herself as 23 or 24 when she was 27 or 28 and didn't tell me for almost a year. (INCLUDING a birthday where I gave her a card with an incorrect age on it)).

I feel VERY similarly to you... at one point my wife WAS a FANTASTIC gf and wife... and I was the dick who had all sorts of issues to work out on my own. And I think that's what I'm holding onto... However I've certainly come to a point where it's pretty obvious she's just not trying... Now I don't know if that's because she has her own demons to deal with before she can commit to making the relationship work or if she just doesn't have interest in making it work... but it's getting old.

Same time I COMPLETELY agree with you about leaving it to her to prove herself... and not in a high pressure way (IE she can't be proving herself 24 hrs a day everyday... some days she will be tired or in a bad mood herself) that seems to be my biggest problem at this point... I can't let all the little things go... she's not doing anything terrible but she's not trying and frankly that really hurts...

My only suggestion would be (and it is a bit extreme but frankly it's deserved)... Have a PI follow her... It will put you mind at ease and frankly I don't know how I'd manage to put mine at ease in the same situation w/o KNOWING... and there is NO way to KNOW short of having someone PROVE it.

Course I also wouldn't like the idea of sending some dude to go watch my wife at her every turn... but if she had cheated it would be that or I'd leave. That's one thing I just can't tolerate.

Cheating is about self-validation, and unfortunately keeping a relationship with the person you cheated on CAN have the EXACT same motivation. Be VERY critical of where you see her motivation coming from.

Another thing that everyone here needs to keep in mind is that she hadn't ever been with anyone else... that alone could be enough to fuel a cheat. Although satisfiing curiosity is a VERY slippery slope.

ANYWAY I've rambled enough... I truly wish you ALL the best and hope it all works out in the long run.

Keep in mind that damn near EVERYONE's parents have stories they never would or should share with their kids.
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Old 05-23-2006, 07:56 AM   #84
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It doesn't really matter anymore. The week before last she started acting really strange again, which caused me to get suspicious quickly. I started seeing a number come up on her cell phone that said Incoming call from her own number. I knew something was up, I just wasn't sure what. Two days in a row she came home late after getting off of work fairly early. Both of those days I saw the same thing, Incoming Call from her number.

I called Cingular and they told me that, that means it is a blocked or unlisted number. I called her and confronted her about it, she insisted nothing was going on and she wasn't talking to anyone. Then she said "It's just a friend". I fucking lost it. I didn't even care anymore. I told her to pack her shit up and get the hell out and I didn't want to see her face until the divorce.

So, here we are.. A week and a half later and I'm happier then ever! I don't miss her at all. I was so fed up with the bullshit and the games I was stressed out over just about everything. It's so nice going and hanging out with whoever the hell I want, and living a stress free life again. I sleep well at night, knowing that I gave it my 110%.
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Old 05-23-2006, 09:46 AM   #85
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One a cheater always a cheater....

It's probably best this way anyways. good effort and i'm sorry for your marriage. be thankful there were no kids yet.
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Old 05-23-2006, 10:31 AM   #86
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Yup, for sure.. It is definately the best for me. I've been enjoying myself and my freedom lately. Going out with friends having a good time. I forgot how much fun it was just to go out and hit on girls that you don't know. Oh, and I've found a whole new respect for alcohol.
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Old 05-23-2006, 12:05 PM   #87
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Gotta agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" comment. I have much respect for you forgiving her once but not again; I once went with the 3-strikes-out rule and it was much harder than if I had just kicked her out after the first or second time. Good to hear you're enjoying time out with friends... getting boozed up and hitting on boozed up girls is what I enjoy most.
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Old 05-23-2006, 12:09 PM   #88
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I'm trying to get Addict to hook me up with some of his wife's stripper friends. Just to say I did.

Another friend said he will take me up to OSU one of these weekends and show me what real easy party girls are like
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Old 05-23-2006, 01:43 PM   #89
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I'm trying to get Addict to hook me up with some of his wife's stripper friends. Just to say I did.

Another friend said he will take me up to OSU one of these weekends and show me what real easy party girls are like
Dude. I honestly hope everything works out for you! You are a great guy and deserve the best. Have fun, and enjoy the booze
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Old 05-23-2006, 02:36 PM   #90
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Dude. I honestly hope everything works out for you! You are a great guy and deserve the best. Have fun, and enjoy the booze

Haha.. Thanks bro.. I'm loving the alcohol.
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Old 05-23-2006, 02:52 PM   #91
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Haha.. Thanks bro.. I'm loving the alcohol.
amen to that.. i'm boozing right along with you man. women suck, that's why we like them though.
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Old 05-23-2006, 03:00 PM   #92
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I have dumbbell curls to keep me busy during the week and 16 ounce curls for the weekend.
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Old 05-23-2006, 08:04 PM   #93
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I have dumbbell curls to keep me busy during the week and 16 ounce curls for the weekend.
You should soon get into the 40oz curls soon.
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Old 05-24-2006, 07:52 AM   #94
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You should soon get into the 40oz curls soon.

I do 42 ounce curls when I got to Mexican Resturaunt.

Hey, what do you guys think? I'm suppose to have a date with this chick in the next few weeks. She's a nurse and a Country Music promoter that rides ATVs and has a kickass attitude towards stuff.
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Old 05-24-2006, 12:28 PM   #95
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um.. hit it
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If some girl's going to wrongly accuse me of domestic violence, I'm gonna make it worth the trip to jail and punch her in the fucking throat.


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Old 05-24-2006, 12:32 PM   #96
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Haha. We'll see what happens. I've know her for years, but I haven't talked to her for probably 8 or so. I sent her a message yesterday, and she gave me her number. I guess she was married for two years and her husband cheated on her too.
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Old 05-24-2006, 04:34 PM   #97
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um.. hit it

Hmmm....couldn't hurt
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Old 05-24-2006, 08:17 PM   #98
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Hmmm....couldn't hurt
x10

DO it man. Go out and have fun. Whatcha gotta lose?
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Old 05-25-2006, 08:21 AM   #99
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x10

DO it man. Go out and have fun. Whatcha gotta lose?


Notta damn thing at this point. The only thing I had was my sanity, and thats been gone for a while.
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Old 05-25-2006, 08:33 AM   #100
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Notta damn thing at this point. The only thing I had was my sanity, and thats been gone for a while.
Exactly. THat's what I said when I broke up with my ex. I was trying to be the nice guy then I found out she was with another dude. So I was like fuck it. I'm going out. And I did...met some amazing people and women also.
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Old 05-25-2006, 08:38 AM   #101
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Indeed.. We went to a new local bar this weekend.. Some how, I ended up dancing with out Waitress.
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Old 05-25-2006, 10:32 PM   #102
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Indeed.. We went to a new local bar this weekend.. Some how, I ended up dancing with out Waitress.
That's my boy jer!
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Old 05-30-2006, 01:42 PM   #103
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I'm trying to get Addict to hook me up with some of his wife's stripper friends. Just to say I did.

Another friend said he will take me up to OSU one of these weekends and show me what real easy party girls are like

She won't give me their numbers. I think she thinks I'd call 'em. You just need to got the Pearl with us. I'm tellin' ya. Girl on girl action with minimal investment in alcohol.

You know OSU is the place... Like Eazy E said "college girls are easy"....
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Old 05-30-2006, 03:10 PM   #104
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I told you bro.. Just tell me when, I'm all up for causing some girl on girl fun no matter what the cost of alcohol is!

Well guys.. I have a date with the chick I posted a picture of tonight!
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Old 05-30-2006, 06:29 PM   #105
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I told you bro.. Just tell me when, I'm all up for causing some girl on girl fun no matter what the cost of alcohol is!

Well guys.. I have a date with the chick I posted a picture of tonight!
Hey good luck bro
Tell us how it goes.
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Old 05-31-2006, 07:31 AM   #106
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Dude, it was a fvcking blast.. She has to be the coolest chick I've ever met. It's funny as hell because she's almost like hanging out with one of the guys. We had a really good time and I'm running on 2.5 hours of sleep today.
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Old 05-31-2006, 07:47 AM   #107
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Dude, it was a fvcking blast.. She has to be the coolest chick I've ever met. It's funny as hell because she's almost like hanging out with one of the guys. We had a really good time and I'm running on 2.5 hours of sleep today.
2.5 Hours of sleep....That almost leads me to believe something happened. But I won't come to that conclusion until you say otherwise
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Old 05-31-2006, 07:56 AM   #108
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We just messed around.. I had to leave her wanting more..
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Old 05-31-2006, 08:11 AM   #109
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We just messed around.. I had to leave her wanting more..
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:22 AM   #110
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x2!

I messed around with my hand last night :(
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:33 AM   #111
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x2!

I messed around with my hand last night :(

Sorry to hear that bro...

Oh, I forgot to mention.. She was a gymnist for 17 years.. She's REALLY flexible..
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Old 05-31-2006, 07:40 PM   #112
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Sorry to hear that bro...

Oh, I forgot to mention.. She was a gymnist for 17 years.. She's REALLY flexible..
Nah my hand and I are tiiiiite!
We've been together for quiet sometime now. Can't see us breaking up anytime soon.

Ahhh gymnist's. LOVE"EM
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Old 05-31-2006, 09:34 PM   #113
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gymnasts cheerleaders and dancers.. gods gift to us.
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Old 06-01-2006, 12:59 AM   #114
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Gymnasts FTW!!!

Does she know Gymkata? (No one will get that...search IMDB)
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Old 06-01-2006, 06:45 AM   #115
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gymnasts cheerleaders and dancers.. gods gift to us.


I'll have to second this notion.. The only thing I want to say is... OMG, Thank you!
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Old 06-07-2006, 05:23 AM   #116
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so i guess she worked out the pole pretty good then
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Old 06-07-2006, 06:41 AM   #117
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so i guess she worked out the pole pretty good then


Umm... I think I'll plead the 5th on this one.
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Old 03-22-2020, 06:26 PM   #118
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Man, sorry to hear about this... I always thought everything was going smooth in your married world, but I guess not.
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Old 08-31-2021, 05:00 AM   #119
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Please calm down,bro.
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