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Old 11-09-2003, 11:16 PM   #1
GT40FIED
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What to do, what to do...

Ok...here's my deal. I've kinda got this thing for my female friend's sister (who the hell knows how she feels about me...however experience tells me not the same way). Problem is she's in a relationship with a total ass. No...seriously...regardless of my feelings if I ever see him I'll beat his head in for what he's done to her just because as a man it's so wrong. He insults her daily, tells her she's fat (since when was a 5'7" 140lb girl fat?), tells her she should look more like her sister, tells her she needs to get more operations on her eyes (she has a lazy eye that's only apparent when she's tired), and has forced sex on her (she won't call it rape...she just says she wasn't in the mood and he pressured her). So here's my problem...how do I tell her how f@cked up this shit is without coming off as biased? Im sure her sister has told her I kinda had a thing for her. I can't stress enough that I don't feel this way about her bf because of my own personal feelings (although I won't lie and say that doesn't play any role at all). It's about the fact that he needs to be killed in the face for treating a good girl this way. Hell...even a horrible girl doesn't deserve that. So what to do?
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Old 11-10-2003, 07:40 AM   #2
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Dunno man....it's hard to convince people in abusive relationships that they don't need to take that crap and need to get out. Girls are especially notorious for staying in abusive relationships......if you ever figure out a good way to get them out, write a book and make some cash.

Depending on her personality it'll be tough to really talk to her about it, she can think you're just trying to blaze a path for your own existence as her significant other. Or she could maybe really listen to you and take it to heart. Or she could just blow it off. Or any other number of things.....

Good luck.

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Old 11-11-2003, 07:48 AM   #3
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I guess I will never understand why girls stay with guys who treat them that way until I actually experience it for myself. And then I'd hope I'd realize it and get out of it. As for what should you do? Since you don't really know how she feels about you, you may be better off just being her shoulder to cry on. Girls like guys who are there to listen and give advice. Maybe then she'll realize what a great guy you are and finally dump the jerk she's with now.
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Old 11-11-2003, 11:45 AM   #4
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Girls like guys who are there to listen and give advice. Maybe then she'll realize what a great guy you are and finally dumb the jerk she's with now.


I call bullshit
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Old 11-11-2003, 11:57 AM   #5
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Originally posted by SolPol
I call bullshit


I'll second that. If that were true then many things would be different. No...I'm afraid that chicks more often go for leather wearing alcoholics.
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Old 11-11-2003, 01:31 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by SolPol
I call bullshit



Quote:
I'll second that. If that were true then many things would be different. No...I'm afraid that chicks more often go for leather wearing alcoholics.




Ok, then maybe I'm an exception to the rule. I can't speak for all girls, but I know I don't go for the leather wearing alcoholic type.
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Old 11-11-2003, 02:01 PM   #7
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I'm not trying to say anything bad about you, I don't even know you. Just my experience that every girl says she wants the "nice" guy.

It's just not true. Soon as they get one they get all wierd about it. I have run the gamut on this one. The girls I really like, I treat like gold and it gets me single again. The ones I like but don't see a future with, well, I act different because the same feelings aren't there. Those girls will stick around forever because I don't care so much and tend to act like a real big dick sometimes. Those girls always end up begging for more.

Again, not taking a shot at you, just my experience.
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Old 11-11-2003, 03:25 PM   #8
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sweep her off her feet
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Old 11-11-2003, 03:32 PM   #9
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Yeah...like Sol Pol said...that's nothing to you personally. I know there are a lot of girls out there who go for nice guys but they're few and far between. 9 out of 10 times they'll go for the good looking guy even if he treats them bad/worse. But that's just what experience tells me. I'm so sick of seeing your little ladies polls in Cosmo that list sensitivity and sense of humor at the top then meeting some girl who tells me I'm so funny and she's so glad that she has someone she can talk to but she just wants to be friends. I'm sooooo ready to just stop trying.
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Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

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Old 11-11-2003, 03:40 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by mylittlecivic
sweep her off her feet


HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right. I couldn't do that to save my f@ckin life. I think if that were gonna happen it would've happened a while back (we've known each other for about 2 years and myself and her sister are very good friends). Besides...I've never been good with women. I haven't dated in a long ass time either so I'm pretty clueless. Add to that the fact that it's been so long since I had sex I'm starting to wonder if they changed it and I'm in trouble.
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Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." - George Orwell

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Old 11-12-2003, 01:30 AM   #11
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yeah i agree... every girl says she wants someone who is funny and listens or whatever but when it comes down to it, they want the party boys(i want to say frat boy... but wont make generalizations) who dont give 2 shits about anything

as far as what to do in your situation... you can try to talk to her about it, i know its not easy, but if you just put the idea in her head and let it roll around, maybe something will happen
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Old 11-12-2003, 02:37 AM   #12
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I'll be up in KC this weekend. I guess we'll just see what happens. I'm sure there'll be something to the effect of "well he really loves me" and the me smacking her upside the head. Well...not really, but that's what I wanna do. I know this girl knows better...she's just got shit for self esteem.
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Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

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Old 11-12-2003, 02:54 AM   #13
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well i reached the conclusion that 95% of the girls don't know what they are doing or what they want. i don't know what to say for your case. just try talking to her and see what happens.
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Old 11-12-2003, 08:11 AM   #14
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Originally posted by GT40FIED
I'll be up in KC this weekend. I guess we'll just see what happens. I'm sure there'll be something to the effect of "well he really loves me" and the me smacking her upside the head. Well...not really, but that's what I wanna do. I know this girl knows better...she's just got shit for self esteem.


Maybe smacking her upside her head a few times will make her want to be with you? It worked for him. :o


Girls "want" the nice guy.

Women want the nice guy. Hence the saying "nice guys finish last." Yeah....cuz not all girls grow up to be women, and it takes most of them a long time to do it.

Girls like a project. They like to change men. If they realize they can't change you, they get bored. They tell you you're perfect, then try to change you. The assholes are ripe for a changin. "Oh he's such a good guy deep down, he just doesn't act like it" is what you'll hear.....because she wants to get him to show he's a good guy.

In some species the females eat the males alive after mating. It's much the same, only we don't physically die.....only mentally or emotionally.

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Old 11-12-2003, 08:25 AM   #15
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Ok, let me put in my 2 cents. If you talk to her, it will only make things worse. She'll only make an excuse like, "but that's way he shows he loves me" or the other classic "I can change him". HELL THE F@CK NO! For one, this sounds like this relationship could get physically abusive REAL fast then I know you'll lose what little self control you have around this ass next time you see him which could land you in jail or worse. Second, if she has to make excuses for him about this relationship, there is NO relationship. Unfortunately, you can talk till you're blue in the face and nothing will change but possibly creating a worse headache for you. What you CAN do is show her the difference of what a good guy is. Be the shoulder for her to cry on, be there to listen to her, be there to tell her what a beautiful woman she is, treat her as she should be treated and believe me, she will. It may not be over night, but it will be soon once she realizes this is how it's supposed to be. Also, be aware you'll have a fight on your hands to get her to realize this but it sounds like you really care about her beyond friendship and it will be worth it in the long run. There may also be a worst case senario that you may not get together with her after all this is said and done for whatever reason but you may have possibly just saved her life. Believe me when I say that verbal abuse takes longer to heal than bruises do when you're being used as a punching bag. Best wishes to you both.
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Old 11-12-2003, 11:41 AM   #16
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I'm perplexed...most of the advice here is to sit idley by and be the shoulder to cry on. I'm sure most of the guys here who have love lifes like mine (that's a term I use loosely) have been doing that their entire lives and it's gotten us/them nowhere. I don't mind listening and giving consolation, but I don't want to do it solely for the reason of hooking up. I honestly care about this girl and would listen and talk to her regardless of my feelings. The problem is that experience tells me what I say will get through to her but in the end things won't turn out for the best. Statistically women like her will use my shoulder to cry on, I'll become too attached, and then she'll go off and find some other guy to treat her like shit and I'll get emotionally f@cked. I wanna help but I don't wanna get screwed up in the process.
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Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." - George Orwell

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Old 11-12-2003, 11:58 AM   #17
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Hey man, I'm going through a situation somewhat similar to yours. Minus the abuse (physical anyway). I can't think of anything to do except to try and forget her at this point. You can't make any girl like you or see their relationship for what it really is. It's something they have to realize for themselves. You or anyone else can tell them what it looks like from the outside until you're blue in the face, it just doesn't matter.

My advice (that I need to follow myself) is to just try and move on. Easier said than done I know.
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Old 11-12-2003, 12:01 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by SolPol
My advice (that I need to follow myself) is to just try and move on. Easier said than done I know.


That's the problem. I refuse to just walk away from someone I feel is in trouble. I just need to figure out a way to do that doesn't involve screwing myself over.
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Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." - George Orwell

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Old 11-12-2003, 12:06 PM   #19
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Yeah well, I guess that's the real trick. Yours is a bit more serious than the situation I'm in. I'm just fed up with women and the things they say as compared to the things they do.

Doesn't help me that the girl I'm talking to is a friend of one of my roomate's girlfriend. So I get to hear things I shouldn't. Inside info is a bad thing.

In regards to you though, I understand you wanting to help but have you tried before. I feel your pain in that you really wanna help her, but like I said before, she needs to come to the realization on her own. You can tell her over and over, but she needs to recognize it herself.
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Old 11-12-2003, 01:54 PM   #20
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Originally posted by GT40FIED
That's the problem. I refuse to just walk away from someone I feel is in trouble. I just need to figure out a way to do that doesn't involve screwing myself over.


Then try to not like her or get attatched to her. Try to value her as a friend or a sister, not someone you like.

Sure it's easier said than done....but if you want to help other people it can be real hard to help or protect yourself at the same time.

My basic approach is to take peace in knowing I helped someone, whether they realize it or not. That's all I can do sometimes, because people don't always konw that they've been helped and I'm not the one to go tootin my own horn for credit. I'd rather have someone as a good friend who's in a happy relationship than one who's in a bad relationship. Considering how I don't tend to do so well with relationships, I basically consider that I have gained a friend for life rather than a girlfriend for a few months.

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Old 11-12-2003, 02:34 PM   #21
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Maybe you need to just put yourself out there. Sometimes getting hurt, although it sucks, makes us grow as a person. It looks like you have two choices. You can either help her out and be a good freind or you can sit by and watch things get worse.



Quote:
Originally posted by hondaman-iac
well i reached the conclusion that 95% of the girls don't know what they are doing or what they want.


Quote:
Women want the nice guy. Hence the saying "nice guys finish last."




You guys could be right. I either know exactly what I'm looking for in a guy or I have no idea what I want. Either way it's not getting me anywhere because I'm still single!
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Old 11-12-2003, 04:12 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally posted by Whiteclipse99
You guys could be right.


i know i am damn right.











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Old 11-12-2003, 10:36 PM   #23
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Oddly enough all the girls that have posted in this thread (including me) are all telling you to at bare minimum be a sholder for the girl to cry on. It's hard being a friend with someone that you see getting abused in any form. And it's even more frustrating that your friend doesn't realize it. Just stick with her. You can't control how things are going to end up....so don't go into it with unattainable expecations. If you decide to have a "sit down" with the girl and tell her that you feel that she's in an emotionally abusive relationship and that she deserves to be with someone that will treat her the way she should be treated...I'd try to avoid telling her how you feel about her if I were you. I think that would be too much for the girl to take in.

I guess you just have to decide whether it's worth your time to invest in trying to help this girl get out of the abusive relationship knowing that you might not get the girl in the end. And if you don't get the girl in the end and she's not with the old bf...just be happy for her that you got her out of that situation....cuz if you wouldn't have helped, it could have gotten alot worse...know what I'm sayin? And another question for ya....say you do help the girl get out of the relationship and you don't get her in the end...would you really want to be someone that doesn't realize the catch that you are? Have more self confidence in yourself that you can get any girl you want. ( i know easier said than done....but it helps)
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Old 11-14-2003, 07:08 PM   #24
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I agree that you can't tell her not to be with him...she'll just end up resenting you. She'll have to realize it for herself. If you can stand it, just be her "shoulder to cry on"...I've heard that a lot of relationships are built that way. Set the "friendship" foundation, then when they break up, she'll turn to you. IMO
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Old 11-15-2003, 02:58 AM   #25
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Wow...ok...how's this for f@cked up. Got back into KC this evening and called up my friend (this girl's sister) cuz we always hang out on Fridays when I'm in town. She tells me "yeah, come on over, we're celebrating". I figure what the hell and head over. Then I after getting there I ask what we're celebrating. Apparently Patricia (the girl in question) happened to leave this guy yesterday. Weird how shit works itself out sometimes. So a good time and a few beers were had by all. This, of course, does not mean I have a chance in hell of dating this girl...but it's good to know she's ok.
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Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

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Old 11-15-2003, 11:21 AM   #26
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Yay!
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Old 11-17-2003, 10:47 AM   #27
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Good to hear man. At least she's not with that guy any more.
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Old 11-29-2003, 02:59 PM   #28
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I went through a similar situation. I had this friend since kindergarden and always liked her but never told her how i really felt. She was over at my house about a month and a half ago while i was on leave (i had just gotten back from Iraq and we haden't seen each other in about a year). Anyway, her "boyfriend" called and started yelling and screaming at her for being at my house because he didn't know me and therefore didn't trust me. well anyway he came to my house and she went outside to "talk" to him. i went out another door and was watching without them knowing, (I had a feeling). Well right after he hit her I snuck up behind him and put him in a choke hold. I then proceeded to put him in his car and told him alot worse would happen if I ever saw him again. Long story short, she got mad at me for that! I thought i was protecting my best friend since kindergarden, but she saw it as it was her fault he hit her because she didn't let him know where she would be. she didn't talk to me for two weeks. I am just now convincing her that she is not the bad one there it is him. For some reason I think this will probably occupy the majority of my Christmas leave period. IF any of you are still reading, the moral is women are just wierd like that. I thought she would have been happy, but brains just aren't perfect I guess.
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Old 11-29-2003, 05:39 PM   #29
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If i was u i would of f@cked this guy up no matter what people think of u or not. but now go for her if she's single.
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Old 11-29-2003, 09:29 PM   #30
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wtf.........why do girls act like that! ya know i wa sin ashitty relationship for 5 years, i didnt see teh head games till i got out of it and every now and then i will start to miss him and call him. but thanks to jeremy (and a few others) i have seen that this guy does not deserve me. you are right girls are seriosuly messed up!


thanks jeremy, you have no idea what a sweetheart you are! liz is a lucky gal. hey when ya going ring shoppin? can i come? he he he........smile
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Old 11-30-2003, 06:23 PM   #31
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Who's sin?
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Old 12-01-2003, 11:22 PM   #32
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Yet another update...well, now things are a bit out of hand. I was at my friend's house over Thanksgiving break and we were talking, drinking (socially...like 2 beers), and shootin the shit. Well...the guy in question shows up pleading for her to come back to him and blah blah blah. She told him to f@ck off, it's over, leave her alone, etc. Then he starts in with names which I care not to repeat, telling her she's used goods and "who's gonna want you now?". Well...I decided I'd heard enough and kindly asked him to show the lady some respect like she deserves. He tells me to mind my f@cking business. I calmly replied by punching him in the face (which apparently broke his nose), kicking down on one of his knees, and knocking two of his teeth out by kicking him once in the face while he was on the ground. Now...I'm usually a very peaceful and calm person but I can't stand verbally or physically abusive men who feel the need to demean and control their significant others (and apprently in this case, their ex's). Long story short...I spent my last night of break in jail but got out without charges cuz my friend (said girl's sister) and her bf told the cops the guy took a swing at me first (teehee). Hopefully that'll be the end of it all. BTW folks...I've decided to keep my distance from this girl. Don't wanna be the rebound guy and I don't like doubts and second thoughts. Besides...haven't gotta a chance in hell anyways.
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Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

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Old 12-02-2003, 12:20 PM   #33
BlackWolf
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Yeah, too much drama right now. Obviously you still care about her but I'd wait a looooong while before trying to get together with her.
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Old 12-02-2003, 08:10 PM   #34
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More like never. I'm sick of chasing girls that are outta my league. Besides...girls like her don't date guys like me.
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1984 1/2 Mustang GT350 #842, Faster than you...nuff said

Anna Fan Club President/Dictator

Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." - George Orwell

Welcome to the new Amerika
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Old 12-03-2003, 08:01 AM   #35
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Why would you say something like that?
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Old 12-03-2003, 08:04 AM   #36
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yeah why?? huh?
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Old 12-03-2003, 10:07 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally posted by BlackWolf
Why would you say something like that?


Hmmmm...well...one of the most important aspects of anyone's life is self realization and understanding some truths about yourself. While it's hard to explain, I can tell you categorically that said girl wouldn't date me on general principle. It's funny...I can't stand the majority of people I come into contact with but after about an hour with them and I can tell you what type of person they are...their tendencies and behaviors in general. Here's the kind of girl who's gonna end up dating me: she'll most likely have some issues that most guys can't handle. She's probably also looking to have someone to take care of (even though I do perfectly fine on my own, many women seem to think that because of my physical abnormalities they need to do things for me that I can do on my own. She can't be one of those girls who's really into external appearances or else I'm f@cked right there. If experience is any indicator she'll probably be on or have been on some sort of psychoactive medication...depression, manic depression, etc. And last but certainly not least, I seem to be relegated to the status of consolation prize. This girl's probably been out playing the field and not having much luck so I become an easy mark if she's willing to slightly lower her standards. I don't say any of this out of loathing or self pity...it's just what I've come to realize after a few failed "relationships" and what I've observed that they all had in common. It'd be a lot easier to lie to myself and pretend that I had no hand in these situations but the hard truth is that I do play a certain role and it's not exactly one I'm proud to be playing. That said, I'd almost be willing to give up on trying to date women altogether if I wasn't dead sure that they'd never approach me first. But like I said...realizing some truths about yourself is very important, even if they suck hardcore.
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1984 1/2 Mustang GT350 #842, Faster than you...nuff said

Anna Fan Club President/Dictator

Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me.

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." - George Orwell

Welcome to the new Amerika
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Old 12-03-2003, 01:27 PM   #38
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Dude, you can't mean that about every woman you meet. I understand that reality is hard. I'm sorry you feel that way but have you looked at why you're attracting that kind of woman? Maybe you're hanging out with the wrong crowd??
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Old 12-03-2003, 02:50 PM   #39
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I think theres someone out there thats just right for you dying to meet you
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Old 12-03-2003, 06:59 PM   #40
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meet with women will be diffcult to understanding me
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