Oh, the horror

[GT40FIED]

So for those of you who don't know (which is everyone), I volunteer some of my time on an internet site where people send in car questions and I answer them (usually). The problem is that lately I've been getting the most malformed and retarded questions I've ever seen...and I've been doing this for a couple of years with anywhere from 10-15 questions a day. Here's a couple examples of why you should be glad you're not me. Names have been with held to protect the stupid. These are real questions. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

MY CHECK ENGINE LIGHT COMES ON AND THE CAR IS SLUGISH I CHECK THE AIR FILTER THAT WAS CLEAN COULD IT BE THE FUEL FILTER IF SO WHERE IS IT LOCATED?

First of all, CAPS LOCK, MOTHERFUCKER! Second of all, try using some damn punctuation. I should be sainted for putting up with this level of bullshit.

Where do i begin. I just rebuilded my motor. and replace my trans with a lincoln mark 8 tranny. But still useing the mustang torque converter. The car does want to get up and go. Also, when drivin loss of power. I can put the gas pedel to the floor and the rpm wont go up but idles. And backfires from the intake hoes. I turn the car off then restart it and powers back. The engine sounds really healthy but the car does not want to go. Its just been a real bad head ach. Its seems whatever i do nothing seems to work. Im lookin for a mustang tranny to put back in it. thanks for any help u can give me.

Go on...count the spelling and grammar errors. You know you want to.

i was going to work and my car just died it has all light but it want crack. it acts like it wants to through.

Apparently this woman's car wants crack before it will start. And Kudos to her on telling me the make, model, year, etc. Moron.

how to set timing

This might have been a good, to the point question if it made any sense or actually involved a question mark (or puncuation of any kind for that matter). Ironically, this was sent by someone named Ben. Seriously Ben...quite sending me questions.

My 1994 Ford Explorer revs up to 5-6 RPMs soon as you turn it on, I have checked the butterfly, wires, springs and even disconnected the cruise control from the steering whell with no relief. I thought I should try pulling the fuse to the cruise control but since I bought the truck used and do not have the owners manual I have no idea which fuse to pull? Could you advise and/or give me any other ideas to try?

Last one...this woman was on the right track until she veered off course into a head on collision with stupid. Checking the "butterfly" (throttle body, I assume) was a good idea, but when that didn't work why would you automatically think cruise control? The springs? Which ones? Huh? And if you car is only revving 5-6rpms, that's hardly anything to worry about. Now 5000-6000rpms is what she probably meant, but she gets docked a grade for pissing me off.

To prove I'm not as much of an ass as most people think I am, I assure you that I actually did answer these questions as best I could in simple, usually monosyllabic phrases so the recipients could understand them. Holy shit...I'm such a philanthropist.