"Doom" has raped my childhood

[GT40FIED]

So I sat down to watch the movie "Doom" with a lot of expectations. I played the game relentlessly as a kid and hoped the movie would at least pay a respectable tribute to it. The computer game Doom was probably the first wildly successful first person shooter...besides maybe Wolfenstein. I knew going into the movie that it couldn't pay absolute homage to the game. A movie shot in first person entirely would be terrible. What did I get? Read on.

This movie is part "Resident Evil", part "Stargate", part "Starship Troopers", and all mediocre. It starts with a lab experiment gone horribly wrong (can lab experiments end up any other way?) and ends up with a bunch of marines stationed on Mars (where the fuck did that come from?). They travel to Mars via a portal built by an ancient civilization. The portal is located in Arizona, for some reason. Like anything cool ever happened in Arizona. Anyway, the antagonists are all a result of a genetic mutation (hello Doom...have you met Resident Evil?) and they're out to skull fuck everyone. Well...not everyone. Just certain people. As the marines search the Mars compund it becomes clear that I don't care who lives or dies. As the "monsters" off the marines one by one I began wondering how this was in any way comparable to the game. All of that is cleared up in an FPS rampage that lasts all of 5 minutes. Oh joy. Even that was sort of a deus en machina. A last minute ditch to make the movie seem plausible. But alas, no.

The only redeeming factor here is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's copious swearing. Sure, it's not incredibly meaningful, but it's fun to hear him curse. In this movie he delivers the best line of his career...and the best line he will ever deliver regardless of what he's in after this. "Semper Fi, motherfucker". This movie is weak but if you're looking to kill an hour and a half, it works fine. Just don't expect your brain to recover afterwards.