baked beans

[ChrisCantSkate]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for
me carrying on like that", so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the
way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted'
up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife
met him at the door and seemed some what excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he
seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so
he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to
feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and
'rrriiiipppp!'. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This
was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table
shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping
an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise
of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes,
farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard the 'phone
farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly
laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.