Joke of The Day

[IALuder]

After a long night of making love, a man notices a photo of another man
on this chick's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ears.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[CD5Passion]

[ebpda9]

lol

[RxGoaT13]

never heard that one before.

[mavaaoife]

Ok Dude that was just.. horrible and disgusting...

[B16DoHcCrx033003]

[IALuder]

why are you crying?

[GT40FIED]

Ben, no more jokes from your personal life, ok? I can't take another one like that.

[IALuder]

darin told me that story. you know that "chick" he was seeing. to prove to us he wasnt gay. yea...i let you firgure out the rest.

[MissJDM]

that reminds me of that link that someone posted..it was a survey to see if you can guess who is a male and who is a female.

good stuff. =/

[IALuder]

ahh yes i remember that. some of those dude look like chick. crazy what money and crazy people will buy.

[drdingo21]

Why don't the smurfs like to walk through the forest?

[ebpda9]

cause darin will ass rape them

[CD5Passion]

[drdingo21]

Originally posted by hondaman-iac
cause darin will ass rape them

No.


Because the greass tickles their balls.

[IALuder]

hhahaha. that was to good stefan.

[IALuder]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[IALuder]

A pregnant woman walks into a bank. To her surprise, it's being robbed and she ends up taking three bullets to the stomach.

Five days later, she wakes up in the hospital. The doctor tells her the she and her three unborn children have all miraculously survived the ordeal, but they could not locate the bullets. There were no exit wounds, so the doctor declared that her body must have absorbed the foreign objects.

Fifteen years later... mom and her two daughters, one son.

The mother was sitting in the living room enjoying a good book when she heard a startled scream upstairs from her first daughter. She ran up to see what was wrong. The daughter explained that she was going to the bathroom when this bullet just dropped from her body! The mother laughed and explained the story of the bank robbery to her daughter. All was fine.

A day or two later, the mother heard a scream from her second daughter. She ran up to see what was going on. The second daughter explained that she too had a bullet drop from her body while going to the bathroom! The mother filled the second daughter in with the bank robbery story, and once again, all was fine.

A day later, the mother heard a startled scream from her son. She ran up to see what was wrong, and saw her son was visibly shaken. The mother said, "Let me guess. You were peeing and a bullet dropped out from your body?"

The son replied, "No! I was masturbating and shot the dog!"

[MissJDM]

Man, how come I never have jokes. Good jokes, that is.

[ebpda9]

lmao, the dog one is the best even if it's an oldie

[CD5Passion]

that is absolutly hilarious, I've never heard it before

[IALuder]

The Wrong One

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[IALuder]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" Then he goes to his brothers room and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His brother thinks about it and says, "For a million bucks, I suppose I would".

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on three millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts and a fag."

[IALuder]

ok for now on, im going to post 2 jokes a day. enjoy and feel free to add any joke you may have heard or made up.

[IALuder]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what
if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105
mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[IALuder]

two elderly women, hilda and mildred are going to church on a sunday morning and hilda is driving. They come to a red light and she blows right through it, doesn't even slow down or anything, and mildred thinks to herself, i think that might have been a redlight, but I dunno, maybe i'm just seeing things, no big deal. So then they come up to a 2nd red light and hilda blows right through it again. Mildred is pretty sure it was a redlight, but still thinks maybe she's just seeing things, so she doesn't say anything. Then they are coming up to the 3rd redlight, so mildred pays close attention to make sure it was red and once again hilda goes right through it. So mildred says to hilda, do you realize you just went through 3 redlights? Hilda replies.. oh I'm driving??

[CD5Passion]

Originally posted by SFKing
Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

the other one is kinda old not as funny, but thanks for entertaining a whole 2 minutes of my day at work

[IALuder]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.

[IALuder]

One day there is a circus train going down the track. Halfway through the trip, the train hits a rough spot in the track and derails. All of the animals in the train die except a zebra. So the zebra sets off down a dirt road.

On his way he sees a cat and asks, "What do you do Mr. Cat?" And the cat replies, "Well I sit here and drink milk all day and chase the mice away." The zebra says "That's nice" and continues on his way.

Next he comes to a dog ans asks, "What do you do Mr. Dog?" And the dog replies, "Well I chase that lazy cat around all day." The zebra says, "That's nice" and continues on his way.

Lastly he comes to a BIG red bull and asks, "What do you do Mr. Bull?" and the bull replies, "Well take those silly striped pajamas off and I SHOW you what I do all day!"

[IALuder]

A middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which part of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!".
She then sat back down.

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
Then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed."

[IALuder]

>WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
>
>The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
>and
>she
>asked the question,
>"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
>Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
>"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied,
>"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you
and
>God
>just takes your hands first."
>"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
>
>Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
>legs. "The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,

>Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little Johnny
>said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
>night.
>Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,
I'm
>coming!"
>If Daddy hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[IALuder]

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

[IALuder]

KID'S WILL TRY ANYTHING
A 6 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know

what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 5 year old nods his head in approval.


The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna

say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he

wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,

and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locked him in his room and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 5 year old and asks with a

stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"






"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios.

[IALuder]

Man Escapes From Prison Where He Has Been For 15 Years He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl
to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If
he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I
love you" To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"

[IALuder]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What
does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's
square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then
handed it
back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[CD5Passion]

hhhahahahahah the last two cracked me up

[MissJDM]

I LOLed on the gay joke. hahahah

[mavaaoife]

those were funneh!!

[GT40FIED]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" (hang on, this is really good......) The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[IALuder]

hahahaha