Joke thread

[Wren57]

Well, post em up. My offerings:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood at the Smith's for three days like an idiot and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Mischief]

Pharmacist.

A lady went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some cyanide.?The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady thenexplained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes gotbig and he said, "Lord, have mercy-I can't give you cyanide to kill yourhusband! That's against the law!? I'll lose my license, they'll throw bothof us in jail and all kinds of bad things? will happen! Absolutely not, youcan NOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out apicture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacistlooked at the picture and replied, "Well now, You didn't tell me you had aprescription.


Elderly, bu not stupid.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry
store one Friday eve with a beautiful young gal at
his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a
special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought
out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "I don't think
you understand, I want something VERY special."

With that statement, the jeweler went to his
special stock and brought another ring out. "Here's
a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this
said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and
the old man stated "By check. I know you need to
make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon", he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the
old man. "There's no money in that account!"
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[nonovurbizniz]

A guy walks into the grocery market and as he's walking by a nice looking girl she says..

"Your barracks door is open"

He's not sure what she means so just plays it off non-chelante and says thanks.

A couple of minutes later he realizes that his fly is open...

As he is walking upto the checkout the same girl walks into the same line behind him...

He says...

"thanks for the heads up... did you happen to see the soldier standing at attention?"

she replies

"No I just saw a tired old verteran and his wrinkled duffle bags".

[MissJDM]

..more jokes, keep it comin'!