.:HSTuners::

*ChrisCantSkate* · 01-10-2006, 12:42 PM

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30
minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was
more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people
dead.

Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the
spelling.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor,
just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have
a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact
change.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly
says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in
the face.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for
one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
her into a glacier.

Chuck requested he be allowed to bone Christie Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she agreed!

15 More Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles".
Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he
exploded.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt
to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her
a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way

*pdiggitydogg* · 01-10-2006, 01:19 PM

Im afraid to ask "WTF?"...because Chuck will pop out and I'll probably get a roundhouse kick to the face

*ChrisCantSkate* · 01-10-2006, 01:38 PM

exactly

nonovurbizniz · 01-10-2006, 01:54 PM

Chuck Norris... LOL.

He's really a softy... if you can't tell from those workout informercials then nothing's gunna prove it.

Those are some great quotes though...

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

LOL

VR4_Craver · 01-10-2006, 02:28 PM

I love them all

"The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain."

best one

Racing Rice · 01-10-2006, 02:37 PM

Good goat that is LOOONNNGGG!

2005 Ninjas good bye! 2006 brings Chuck Norris to the table.

VR4_Craver · 01-10-2006, 07:05 PM

he fires back on his site also

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

found it on a different forum little bitch tits

Grip72 · 01-10-2006, 07:40 PM

holy crap welcome to 4 months ago!!!

GT40FIED · 01-10-2006, 08:08 PM

Man some of those are fucking hilarious. I still hate Chuck Norris, though.

Also, whoever wrote that owes Maddox some royalties checks.

*ChrisCantSkate* · 01-10-2006, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Grip72
holy crap welcome to 4 months ago!!!

back off im a little slow

Wren57 · 01-10-2006, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Grip72
holy crap welcome to 4 months ago!!!

*Chuck Norris pops out and roundhouse kicks grip in the face*

mylittlecivic · 01-11-2006, 01:15 AM

fuckin chuck norris

Grip72 · 01-11-2006, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ChrisCantSkate
back off im a little slow

haha its ok..i'm rather advanced so it balances out

Quote:

Originally posted by highlander
*Chuck Norris pops out and roundhouse kicks grip in the face*

*blocks the attempted roundhouse kick by zooming away on a hooverboard*

GT40FIED · 01-12-2006, 12:37 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Grip72
*blocks the attempted roundhouse kick by zooming away on a hooverboard*

What the hell is a "hooverboard"? Is that a board that vacuums your house for you? Perhaps it's a close relative of the hoverboard.

Rob · 01-12-2006, 09:37 AM

Maybe I'm a little slow...what the hell is the fascination with Chuck Norris again?

Grip72 · 01-12-2006, 07:22 PM

hahaha yes

hoverboard..my bad

the hooverboard won't be invented until 2017....i told you i'm advanced

*pdiggitydogg* · 01-15-2006, 05:25 PM

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

VR4_Craver · 01-15-2006, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pdiggitydogg
http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

lol welcome to 10 posts back there pdiggs

*pdiggitydogg* · 01-15-2006, 07:11 PM

01-10-2006, 12:42 PM	#1
ChrisCantSkate Thought Police Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: orlando florida Age: 41 Posts: 9,662	Chuck Norris Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the spelling. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and ** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the ** out of little kids. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier. Chuck requested he be allowed to bone Christie Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she agreed! 15 More Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. 3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. 11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. 14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way __________________ Black Vtec Prelude-h22a power'd Many dreams come true, and some have silver linings. I live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold.

01-10-2006, 01:38 PM	#3
ChrisCantSkate Thought Police Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: orlando florida Age: 41 Posts: 9,662	exactly __________________ Black Vtec Prelude-h22a power'd Many dreams come true, and some have silver linings. I live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold.

01-10-2006, 01:54 PM	#4
nonovurbizniz Registered User Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: ECUSA Age: 47 Posts: 2,693	Chuck Norris... LOL. He's really a softy... if you can't tell from those workout informercials then nothing's gunna prove it. Those are some great quotes though... 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. LOL __________________ I am an A$$hole... take anything I say to heart at YOUR OWN RISK...

01-10-2006, 02:28 PM	#5
VR4_Craver Banned Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: The stixx Age: 39 Posts: 1,550	I love them all "The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain." best one __________________ me from another forum (im the top geekz0r) the geekz0r (11:03:46 PM): basicly, look at it this way...the 6speed is the same is the 5speed in 2,3,4,5,and 6...only the speeds are different because of the fd the geekz0r (11:04:16 PM): so 2nd pulls like 1st in the 5speed, 3rd is like 2nd, etc. PortugeeTex (11:04:26 PM): so whats 1st like then? the geekz0r (11:04:49 PM): 1st is like hitting a cheeta in the ass with a tazer PortugeeTex (11:04:53 PM): lmfao

01-10-2006, 02:37 PM	#6
Racing Rice Project Combat Honda Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Highland,OH Age: 46 Posts: 7,985	Good goat that is LOOONNNGGG! 2005 Ninjas good bye! 2006 brings Chuck Norris to the table. __________________ Racing Rice

01-10-2006, 01:19 PM	#2
pdiggitydogg Yahoo Watashi wa kattaze! Join Date: May 2002 Location: Meanwhile, up in The D... Age: 41 Posts: 10,579	Im afraid to ask "WTF?"...because Chuck will pop out and I'll probably get a roundhouse kick to the face

01-10-2006, 07:05 PM	#7
VR4_Craver Banned Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: The stixx Age: 39 Posts: 1,550	he fires back on his site also http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1 found it on a different forum little bitch tits __________________ me from another forum (im the top geekz0r) the geekz0r (11:03:46 PM): basicly, look at it this way...the 6speed is the same is the 5speed in 2,3,4,5,and 6...only the speeds are different because of the fd the geekz0r (11:04:16 PM): so 2nd pulls like 1st in the 5speed, 3rd is like 2nd, etc. PortugeeTex (11:04:26 PM): so whats 1st like then? the geekz0r (11:04:49 PM): 1st is like hitting a cheeta in the ass with a tazer PortugeeTex (11:04:53 PM): lmfao

01-10-2006, 07:40 PM	#8
Grip72 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Calgary, AB Canada Age: 40 Posts: 2,962	holy crap welcome to 4 months ago!!!

01-10-2006, 08:08 PM	#9
GT40FIED Best...mod...ever Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: At the end of the longest line Age: 43 Posts: 7,451	Man some of those are fucking hilarious. I still hate Chuck Norris, though. Also, whoever wrote that owes Maddox some royalties checks. __________________ 1984 1/2 Mustang GT350 #842, Faster than you...nuff said Anna Fan Club President/Dictator Someday, in the event that mankind actually figures out what it is that this world actually revoles around, thousands of people are going to be shocked and perplexed that it was not them. Sometimes this includes me. "If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." - George Orwell Welcome to the new Amerika

01-12-2006, 07:22 PM	#16
Grip72 Registered User Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Calgary, AB Canada Age: 40 Posts: 2,962	hahaha yes hoverboard..my bad the hooverboard won't be invented until 2017....i told you i'm advanced

01-15-2006, 05:25 PM	#17
pdiggitydogg Yahoo Watashi wa kattaze! Join Date: May 2002 Location: Meanwhile, up in The D... Age: 41 Posts: 10,579	http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

01-15-2006, 07:11 PM	#19
pdiggitydogg Yahoo Watashi wa kattaze! Join Date: May 2002 Location: Meanwhile, up in The D... Age: 41 Posts: 10,579	HA!

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode