[DsBlu01CivEX]

Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads in Newspapers


WOMEN'S ADS



40-ish...................... 49

Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends

Athletic.................... No tits

Average looking............. Face like a basset hound

Beautiful................... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy

Educated.................... Banged her professors

Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated

Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster

Free spirit................. Junkie

Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a slut

Fun......................... Annoying

Gentle...................... Comatose

Good Listener............... Borderline Autistic

New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only, no
BJs

Open-minded................. Desperate

Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk

Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional................ Certified *****

Redhead..................... Bad dye-job

Reubenesque................. Grossly Fat

Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light

Social...................... Has been passed around like an hors
d'oeuvres tray

Voluptuous.................. Very Fat

Weight proportion w/ height..... Hugely Fat, as tall as you are wide

Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker

Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself

Young at heart.............. Old bat



MEN'S ADS

40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you

Free Spirit........... Banging your sister

Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie

Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking.......... Arrogant

Very good looking..... Dumb as a board

Honest................ Pathological Liar

Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy

Mature................ Older than your father

Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not
interested

Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls

Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall

Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive........ Gay

Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts