[Mischief]

[The living room. The boys reach the sofa and hop up to sit on it. Chef's parents sit across from them on the love seat. An uneasy silence follows]

Chef's dad: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?

Stan: You're Chef's parents?

Chef's mom: Yes, all his life.

Kyle: We have to talk to him!

Chef's dad: Well, he should be out now directly.

Chef's mom: Oh, he's so excited about the wedding now.

Chef's dad: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw
the Loch Ness monster?

Stan: No, that's okay.

Chef's dad: Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.

Chef's mom: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"

Thomas: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,-

Chef's mom: Oh, it was so scary!

Thomas: -and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us, monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty." [a long silence follows]

Kyle: What's tree-fitty?

Thomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.

Chef's mom: Tree-fitty.

Stan: He wanted money?

Thomas: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"

Chef's mom: I gave him a dollar.

Thomas: She gave him a dollar.

Chef's mom: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.

Thomas: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!

[Chef's house. Thomas is still telling the story…]

Thomas: And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-

Nellie: August.

Thomas: -August. There's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout-

Nellie: And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and all.

Thomas: -And she says to me, "How would you like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind do you have?" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-

Nellie: Raisin oatmeal.

Thomas: -Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she looks at me and she says, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty."

Nellie: …Tree-fitty.

Thomas: Well, it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.

Nellie: The Loch Ness monster.

Thomas: I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!" It said, "how about just two-fitty?" I said, "Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!"
Nellie: Lord, he was angry.

Thomas: Damn right, I was angry!

Nellie: Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.

Thomas: Aah, shut your mouth, woman!

Stan: Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here?

Thomas: Sure. That crazy old monster [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out] Now, then the fourth time I saw the…

[King Jimmy's Buffet. A banner spans the front of the restaurant, saying, "Clsoed for Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Party." Chef, his family, Veronica, and other guests are present. Soft jazz plays in the background.]

Thomas: Could I have your attention please? [the guests quiet down and the music stops] Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady. [sniffles] I'm very happy for them both. [sobs] Ooh there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now.

Chef: It's okay, pop.

Nellie: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. [sobs]

Thomas: Oh, I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he said, "Poppa, poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef, my boy?", and he said, "…I need about tree-fitty."

Nellie: …Tree-fitty.

Thomas: Well, it was about that time I got suspicious. I said, "Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Goo-Goo the dinosaur wants it." I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was the Loch Ness monster!

Nellie: Oh, it was scary!

Thomas: I said, "Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children now! We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away!"
[King Jimmy's Buffet.]

Thomas: So I chased the monster down the street, you see…


[First Church of South Park. A banner above the lower cross reads "Congratulations Chef and Veronica." People are streaming in for the wedding]

Kyle: Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open. [Cartman is nodding off, too]
Stan: We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. [turns to Cartman] You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? [taps him]

Kyle: He's asleep. Wake up fatass!

Cartman: [rattled] What what what?

Stan: God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.

Cartman: I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!

Thomas: [telling his tale to Randy and Sharon] …And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right? They was probing me and all that.

Nellie: We had taco salad that night.

Thomas: Don't matter what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me. I said, "What do you want from me, alien?!" and do you know what he said?

Nellie: Tree-fitty.

Thomas: Uh. Let me tell the damn story now! He said, "tree-fitty." And so I realized I that it wasn't no alien, it was that God-damned Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just beat all?!

Nellie: I had just given him tree-fitty the week before.

Thomas: What?! You gave that monster another damn tree-fitty?!

Nellie: [somewhat defensive] He tricked me.

Thomas: Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it tree-fitty!

[Inside, Stan and Kyle try to get Cartman's attention again]

Stan: Come on Cartman!

Cartman: [pressing every button on the tape player] I can't see anything!

Kenny: [tries to help] (Wait…) [the succubus lands on Kenny, breaking the pew in half. Kenny is dead under her feet]

Stan: Oh my God! She killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

Nellie: [with a stick, runs at the succubus] You damn monster! Get away from my baby!

Thomas: [reaching into his pocket] Hold on, now, I'll see if I have tree-fitty!

[The optometrist's office. Cartman walks in with a large ice box. His bandages are off. Now we know why he wasn't at school with Stan and Kyle.]

Dr. Lott: Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?

Cartman: After today they're gonna be fine, and I'll never have to see you ever again!

Dr. Lott: I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes.

Cartman: No, not with my eyes. With these! [takes Kenny's frozen head out of the box to show the eyes] Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Dr. Lott: Was he an organ donor?

Cartman: Eh-sure.

Dr. Lott: All right, then let's get to work. [Cartman gets in the chair, and the optometrsit pulls out Kenny's left eye] Say, you don't have three dollars and fifty cents on you, do you?