Stefan: I don't usually like people to get their noses in my business either. I usually like to just solve my problems myself without outside assistance. Usually a little time and a lot of thought is all it takes. If I do look for outside help it's only ever from a very close friend. But I'm always willing to help a friend with anything.
Unfortunately in this situation, I don't have anybody who I can really talk to about it. Except for the friendly folks at the HSTuners Mental Health Clinic.
BlackWolf: Yeah the truth can be a very bitter pill to swallow. I have a tendency to be brutally honest. People either like it, hate it, or dislike it but appreciate it at the same time. I don't know what boat she's in. I think she hops from boat to boat depending on the situation. She does have a tendency to ask questions she doesn't want to hear the answer to, or isn't prepared to accept the answer. She has a strong fear of rejection. It really frustrates me when someone asks me to open up, even complains at times that I don't open up, but then gives me attitude and intense frustration when I do open up. I came very close to just hanging up on her yesterday (I wanted in-person convo, but couldn't get one).
She does have low self esteem. I understand that because I have low self esteem too. But I'm able to be there for people, even if it relates to problems with me. I mean, I've had a dumped-by-me girlfriend call me up and ask me for advice on what to do about me. I can usually look at things pretty objectively.
She's pointed out some of my own shortcomings and things went pretty well in those convos. It basically came down to us having an understanding on what the problem was. If someone points out a shortcoming to me (chances are I'm already aware of it, I have a long list of my own problems) I will answer in 1 of 2 ways. I'll either see their point and take it to heart, or I'll offer an explanation for why I am that way, feel that way, or whatever. She usually attacks defensively, and that just irritates me. I feel she still has absolutely no clue why she's frustrating me, in fact, I know she has no clue because I only told her the tip of the iceberg before I decided I'd be best served by just shutting up.
Thanks for the support.
I know I've got problems, and I know I'm a big part of the frustration she gives me.....but I don't know what to do about it. I so badly want to discuss with her all the ways she frustrates me,
why I feel that way. And I think she could help me if she'd be willing to just sit down and hear me out, try to understand my point of view and why I feel the way I do, and offer a rational counter POV to me or accept that maybe she is wrong. I feel that she thinks she's always giving it her best, and sometimes I feel she invests a lot in the friendship and other times I feel she just expects me to carry the weight. But we'll never see how I'm wrong, or she'll never see how she's wrong, if we can't have a serious discussion void of attacks or strong defenses. And in all the writing I've done and all the thinking I've done, I'm just now realizing this......
Perhaps I can approach her in a different way to get her to maybe have a good convo with me. Probably worth a shot one of these days.
b
Edit: Damn, I write too much. This is long. I guess I'm just thinking "out loud."