Can I see her twat??? (joke)
 

Here's another one a little better...

A midjet with a hair lip (cleff pallete makes you talk kinda like donald duck ssssthuffering sssthuckatash and what not.) wants to buy a horse so he goes down to the local stables...

"hello good ssthssir." he says....

"I'm interessthed in buying a horsssth.."

the stable manager says fine he'll take him around to look at some of the horses...

They walk through the stables and the midjet sees a horse he likes...

"very niccth very niccth... can you open it'sth mouth ssstho I can ssthee it'sth teeth?"

Guy says sure opens up the horses mouth... the midjet is impressed...

"very niccth very niccth...can you just lift me up so I can look inssthide the horssths' earsth."

Guy is a little weirded out but whatever if it sells the horse... so he lifts the midjet up and he looks in the horses ears....

"very niccth very niccth... Can you do me a favor and lift me up to look into the horsesth's eyes..."

Guys getting more than just a little weirded out/ annoyed by now... Sure I guess.

"very niccth very niccth..... Jussth one lassth thing... I'd like to see her twat."

NOW the Guy is FULLY wierded out and kinda angy. So he says "Whatever you say."

Lifts up the midjet and rams him up the horse's most intiment of places... and yanks him back out... "happy now" the guy asks...

the midjet is just standing there confused...

"I JUST WANTED TO SEE HER RUN"

get it twat...trot

hehe :D

o man that was too funny. hahaha

lol man I saw that comin a mile away...but I laughed anyway

good one, but should this line say...

"very niccth very niccth..... Jussth one lassth thing... I'd like to SEE her twat."

good lookin out y0!

lol:yes:

lol :D

LOL

lol...good one

:nana:

This doesn't seem to be funny. It isn't funny at all.

Guys, don't install adblock...

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me anymore.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet...

Because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights.”

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

Ladies, PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect man.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

In Sweden, the CEO of IKEA was just elected president.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's your emergency?

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying. “What is your job?” “I’m a butcher” so they cut his thing with a knife “What is your job?” “I’m a medic” so they cut it with a scalpel Hours pass and the last man of the line comes crying in laughter. “We are about to cut your dick off and you are laughing” “It’s just that I sell ice cream, so you’ll have to suck it ‘til it disappears”

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

6:30 is the best time...

Hands down!

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

An electrician comes home late...

Wife: "Wire you insulate?"

Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband got home that night.

When they met the next day, Julia asked how it went. Anna immediately started crying.
“We’re getting a divorce!” she sobbed.
“What? What happened?” Julia asked concerned.
“I tried to do your trick, but as I laid my hand on his dick, it was actually quite warm. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked him:
Why isn't your dick cold, like Peter’s?”

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had...

He started to count but he fell asleep.

What do the testicles and prostate have in common?

Nothing. There’s a vas deferens between the two.

I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia*

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor