Can I see her twat??? (joke)
 

Here's another one a little better...

A midjet with a hair lip (cleff pallete makes you talk kinda like donald duck ssssthuffering sssthuckatash and what not.) wants to buy a horse so he goes down to the local stables...

"hello good ssthssir." he says....

"I'm interessthed in buying a horsssth.."

the stable manager says fine he'll take him around to look at some of the horses...

They walk through the stables and the midjet sees a horse he likes...

"very niccth very niccth... can you open it'sth mouth ssstho I can ssthee it'sth teeth?"

Guy says sure opens up the horses mouth... the midjet is impressed...

"very niccth very niccth...can you just lift me up so I can look inssthide the horssths' earsth."

Guy is a little weirded out but whatever if it sells the horse... so he lifts the midjet up and he looks in the horses ears....

"very niccth very niccth... Can you do me a favor and lift me up to look into the horsesth's eyes..."

Guys getting more than just a little weirded out/ annoyed by now... Sure I guess.

"very niccth very niccth..... Jussth one lassth thing... I'd like to see her twat."

NOW the Guy is FULLY wierded out and kinda angy. So he says "Whatever you say."

Lifts up the midjet and rams him up the horse's most intiment of places... and yanks him back out... "happy now" the guy asks...

the midjet is just standing there confused...

"I JUST WANTED TO SEE HER RUN"

get it twat...trot

hehe :D

o man that was too funny. hahaha

lol man I saw that comin a mile away...but I laughed anyway

good one, but should this line say...

"very niccth very niccth..... Jussth one lassth thing... I'd like to SEE her twat."

good lookin out y0!

lol:yes:

lol :D

LOL

lol...good one

:nana:

This doesn't seem to be funny. It isn't funny at all.

Guys, don't install adblock...

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me anymore.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet...

Because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights.”

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

Ladies, PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect man.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

In Sweden, the CEO of IKEA was just elected president.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's your emergency?

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying. “What is your job?” “I’m a butcher” so they cut his thing with a knife “What is your job?” “I’m a medic” so they cut it with a scalpel Hours pass and the last man of the line comes crying in laughter. “We are about to cut your dick off and you are laughing” “It’s just that I sell ice cream, so you’ll have to suck it ‘til it disappears”

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer...

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

6:30 is the best time...

Hands down!

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”

And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”

“No. I’m Swedish.”

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

An electrician comes home late...

Wife: "Wire you insulate?"

Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.

“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband got home that night.

When they met the next day, Julia asked how it went. Anna immediately started crying.
“We’re getting a divorce!” she sobbed.
“What? What happened?” Julia asked concerned.
“I tried to do your trick, but as I laid my hand on his dick, it was actually quite warm. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked him:
Why isn't your dick cold, like Peter’s?”

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had...

He started to count but he fell asleep.

What do the testicles and prostate have in common?

Nothing. There’s a vas deferens between the two.

I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia*

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird Axe scent.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no...

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...

Now I can’t read any of it.

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex...

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house...

The plumber told me.

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...
nsfw
...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tries to take the step, but only to discover that she could not.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reaches behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! ! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.