I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Kegels aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

What did you tell him?

I told him that if he didn't ate his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

What was that for? - he asks, confused.

FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed...

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.