How can I respond to GT40FIED?
l"...love is biochemically no different than eating large amounts of chocolate..." It may be true but if you honestly can say that about love, it makes me think that you've had your heart crushed by someone you've loved before.
But regarding my situation (which was besides the point of this thread...), it is security, but if we hated each other we wouldn't have lasted this long. Love is a complicated thing (so cliche) but it's also one of those things that only your heart can tell you (... that sounds so cheesy). But so after the sh1t hit the fan last year I am completely committed. We had our ups and downs but it seems pretty okay. And if I'm lucky, it's engagement time this summer. :D
Even if you're right about me not doing myself any favours, it's just life, you just got to live and learn and screw up along the way.

Well...it's not a matter of IF love is the same as eating a large wuantity of chocolate...it is. Both cause your brain to emit chemicals causing a sort of euphoria. Some people, one could theorize, are even addicted to such a feeling (those assholes who are "in love with being in love"). And you're right...I have had my heart crushed by someone I loved before. In fact it's happened more than once. If you haven't had your heart broken, then you've never really loved anyone. But none of that keeps me from being suprisingly optimistic about love and all that comes with it.

Also, I feel the need to point out that some of the longest relationships I've ever seen were driven maybe not by hate exactly, but definitely a sense of spite and loathing. I'll never understand why, but some people seem compelled to be with someone they can barely tolerate, much less love. As Dane Cook put it, "I'll stick around for 2 or 3 years and then we can end this thing violently".:D

Again, these thoughts aren't meant to belittle you, put you down, or anything of the like. Simply consider it friendly advice. Though I don't know you, I hate to see people's lives headed in what I feel is the wrong direction when it's easily avoidable (if anything involving love is ever easy, that is). The path you choose to take is your own...just consider all of this my two cents.

To be honest, when you describe love so... er... scientifically... You don't sound so optimistic about it. =\

:D "I feel the need to point out that some of the longest relationships I've ever seen were driven maybe not by hate exactly, but definitely a sense of spite and loathing. I'll never understand why, but some people seem compelled to be with someone they can barely tolerate, much less love. As Dane Cook put it, "I'll stick around for 2 or 3 years and then we can end this thing violently"." :D
It's strange, hell I started out loathing my bf too. Hahahah... I wonder if this just makes human nature (in the regards to love anyway) naturally masochistic and sadistic? o_O?

Oh and your two cents will go into my penny jar. :)

Wow, unbelievable..

I dont really know you or anything, but since this board came online I knew you were with someone.. not sure if you were already married at the time.. It saddens me to hear this..

I feel your pain. Really.. I hope you pull through ok.

Loving someone isnt complicated. Living with them and sharing everything about your life is.

i completely agree *nods head* :D

YEA!!! It's all over now.

I finally got her to confess and tell me exactly has been going on. Not only was she sleeping with one guy, she's been sleeping with TWO guys. Everything's almost unbelievable, but I feel so much better now! It's amazing what closure can do. She is about to get a real dose of reality now.

I told her to pack her stuff and get out.

Time to PARTY!

I'm really sorry to hear that and I'm sorry that your marriage has been ruined. Hopefully the two of you can go your own way. I hope for your sake she was smart enough to use protection.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

I ALWAYS used protection. Though we really didn't do it much. I don't understand what's going on in her head, but she has some SERIOUS issues obviously.

She's been driving me crazy today calling my cell phone trying to get me to come back home. I'm staying at my parents tonight while she moves her stuff out. She keeps telling me that she can stop and change. I told her that she should have thought about that a long time ago. I can't take any more of her little games. I'm done. Now I just have to finalize this divorce and get on with my life.

Thats just insane Jer. I'm guessing this has been going on for a while and its jsut something you stumbled onto.

For whatever its worth, my heart goes out to you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Hopefully your divorce goes smoothly and quickly.

So wait...lemme get this straight...not only was she cheating on your with guy #1, but she was cheating on guy #1 with guy #2? Sweet zombie jesus man...I hate to say this, but she certainly sounds like a whore. Glad you had the good sense to kick her to the curb. I just can't believe she kept lying for this long.

Oh...and it sounds like you owe your mom something real nice next Mother's Day for uncovering this web of bullshit.

Jeremy you do have one heck of a mother.

Hey man sorry to here it turned out for the worst but at least your done with it...

Enjoy your freedom. And be happy it happened before you had kids. Imagine if you felt the same way when she had pushed for it.

:eek: woah... well... er... at least that's over with... oh man... that makes women seem REALLY bad... :(

well i wish you the best for the future, hopefully your next relationship won't be so... er... fcuked... :P

so yeah... good luck with the rest of your life...

I turned her into a sexual fiend I guess. I don't know. I was her first and only until this all started in January.

My mom is the best!

I'm not in any hurry to get into another relationship. I'm going to have fun and do whatever the hell I want. I'm going to live it up a little. I also want to do some travelling.

wow man, that is just fucked up. time to go out to bars and go beaver hunting

I suppose there's a slim chance she's developed manic depression. People who are bi polar tend to have extremely poor sexual impulse control when in a manic swing. Then again it'd be pretty rare to develop such a condition so late in life. I know you're probably cursing her name and the day you met her right now, but I'd say as a human being you should urge her seriously to get some kind of professional help. If nothing else, she'll become someone else's problem.:D

And good thinking on not getting into anything right away. My brother got involved before the ink was even on his divorce papers (although his ex wife got involved way before that...the whore) and it just seemed...sketchy. He's actually marrying the girl in July so maybe he got lucky (though time will tell and I have my doubts).

And Revival...this doesn't make women look bad...it makes A woman look bad. I think around here we all get that both sexes fuck up on a regular and somewhat predictable basis.:D

women are bad... bad to the bone... der ner ner ner ner

I was reading somewhere 60% of women cheat and 43% of men cheat. I believe the poll was done by a magazine with a same size of 2000

nooooooooo hunting beavers is mean!!! :D

damn man, been awhile since i looked at this thread
Sorry to hear that its fallen apart, but it is always good to finally hear the truth and be able to close the subject... Still sucks though

Wow, sorry to hear it went down this way. I have lots of respect for you being able to kick her out wholly and move on without hesitation. Must hurt but it's the right decision. Best of luck.

Damn man. Jeremy I'm so sorry that this happened. I saw this thread a while ago and just kept my yap shut. I really hope all goes well for you. Not her though, fuck her. Dude I wish I was there for you and we could go to the bar or somethign and get wasted and pick up some broads. Although I wasn't with my ex for 9 years, 5 1/2 is long enough. I can somewhat relate to what your going though with the break up. Keep your head up high man. Keep busy, work out lots. I found that helped me out a lot.

jer care to give us an update? Is the divorce going ahead or are you going to try and recover this?

My heart really goes out to you. As someone who's getting married shorly this would be my worst nightmare.

wow that really sucks but it sounds like the closure is really helping you through. Takes some balls to do what needs to be done. Hope everything will go well from here.

Well, here goes...

A few days after I kicked her out of the house she called me crying. She said she knows that she made a mistake and she was sorry about it (over and over.) She begged me to give her another chance. After a lot of talking she we have gotten back together and are working things out. It was a really hard decision, and the only reason that I decided to take her back is because I know that this person she was for three months, really isn't the person that she is.

I believe that we all make mistakes in life. I know a lot of you guys think I'm an idiot, but you really can't talk until you're there.

Things are getting better. It is going to take a lot of time to rebuild stuff, but I know we can do it.

I dont think youre an idiot, because I probably would have done the same thing. Sure, another part of me screams "NO!" but Im sure its actually an alright move to make.
Really, I made a similar choice with a gf I had soo many years ago, and to this day wish I didnt...but somehow wife is a whole lot more than gf.

I dated a girl for almost 6 years. Or was it 5. Who cares. Either way what i'm getting at is, that we broke up a few times. And each and every time I took her back. Why? Because i loved her. Jer I don't completely understand what your going through. But man I can relate. I know that taking her back isn't easy. But on the other hand, when it's love. It's love. So dude. I support your decision. And like Pat. The inside I'm going...NO DUDE....HOWEVER you are right. It's not us, and we cannot comment until we are in that position. I was in a similar (i use that term loosley) position to yours and like I said, I can relate dude, and part of me does understand.

I can't say that the decision was easy.. It wasn't just one phone call from her saying I'm sorry will you take me back. It was several, and her begging and pleading. Even to this day a part of me still wonders if I'm making the right decision, because the trust that I had for her is gone and it will have to be rebuilt.

I can read her pretty well, and I usually know when she is being honest with me and when she isn't. Unfortunately I knew the whole time that something more was going on when it was happening but I didn't want to accept it. She swears that she isn't talking to these guys anymore. Cell phone records agree, and she says she has deleted thier numbers from her phone. (Which she has because I checked. :D ) These things aren't absolute proof that she still isn't having contact with these guys, but her attitude has changed. She's a lot more happy and active then she use to be.

I can only hope that in time we can put this behind us and move on with our lives, and grow old and happy together. Hopefully even bring us closer together in the long run. Until then, I have to keep a positive attitude, and she has to rebuild the trust that she has broken.

I've already told her that if she even has serious thoughts about being with someone else again, don't even bother coming back. I'll probably lose it, and do something that I'll regret for a very, very long time.... Probably 20 to life. :paranoid:

Jeremy...I hate to say this, but I'm going to have to disagree witn everyone else. I've been in your position before (minus the marriage part...I hope to never be married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone). After a good deal of thought and a lot of talking with friends, I realized that there was no way that the original trust I had with my then-girlfriend would ever be fully restored. I'm sure you came about this decision with no light thought, but is this really a story you want to tell your kids someday? No, I don't think you're crazy or foolish or whatever...I think your judgement is clouded by whatever you want to call love. Since love means different things to different people, I won't try and quantify it here. I'll just say that it makes you acts ilogically and on impulses that don't suit your best interests. You feel compasion for the mate you have chosen...that's natural. However given her actions thus far I'm not convinced she shares that same sense of emotion. Imagine the situation was reversed and you were the woman. Imagine that the breach of trust had not been infidelity, but rather physical abuse. Would you still hang around and bow to the pleas of your partner? Because that's all cheating is...abuse. It's not physical, but it is sure as shit mental abuse. She might as well come up and slap you in the face with the fact that she fucked around on you. If you're willing to second guess yourself every time she goes out for the night, that's up to you. Personally it'd drive me insane which is why once that bond has been broken, no amount of crying over the phone can bring it back.

I gotta say GT. That's well put.
I'm still sort of dangling on the fence here Jeremy. Like I said I'll support your decision and all that. But inside i'm a little sketchy.

Jeremy you said that you checked your cell phone. As far as I'm concerned that's the least of the things that you can do. I would have that girl on a pretty tight leash for a long time if I wsa you.

Jer, I suspect you have made the right choice and I'm going to say to the contrary whatever has been said pior. Let things fall into place as they may, let her create teh structure to how she will earn your trust back instead of creating it for her. I thinking forcing something on her will only teach her to follow rules instead of repairing the trust.

I wont judge your call on this. It is a marriage and completely different they a gf, no matter how long you've dated.

The part I would struggle with is the trust. Thats something I'm not sure I would know how to rebuild. I'm sure however there are profesionals who know how to help couples rebuild that trust and I would recommend you see those types of people.

After 9 years being together and suspect you cannot imagine your life without her and that is why you've made this call. In your shoes I cannot be sure what choice I would make but I do know I would not making it lightly.

Everyone is going to tell you what he/she would do in your situation and for the most part these people are full of it unless they've walked the path themselves. I suspect most of them would actually do the opposite of what they've told you they would do. So take it all in stride, and work through this situation. YOu made a commitment between you and her, infront of your family and God to be with her through good times and bad. Welcome to the bad times, now is where you have the opporunity to build a relationship stronger then you had before.

There are no problems in life, only opportunities to do better.

Steve,

You make valid points, but I can't say that I agree with you. I understand that you've been hurt before. I have as well, this isn't the first time and I can only hope that it is the last. Yes, the trust thing is a big issue but I don't believe that trust can not be rebuilt. Maybe YOU won't let the trust be rebuilt, but that is issues that you personally have to workout. Unfortunately, before you can trust someone else you have to learn how to get ahold of your own emotions and be in control of them. Is it easy? Hell no it isn't! Does it happen over night? Hell no it doesn't? However, I do believe it is possible. If you can't trust anyone that has ever lied to you about something, big or small then you probably don't communicate with many people whether it be friends or family

Can you honestly say that you have never told a lie to anyone whether it be big or small? If you have, think about one of those more serious lies then think about the reason you lied to that person. Should you have lied to that person? Should that person never trust you again, because of that lie?

I think it is safe to say that probably have lied to someone about something at one time in life, whether it was to keep yourself out of trouble or protect someones feelings. Yes it is wrong, but lying doesn't make you a bad person for the rest of your life.

To be completely honest with you. In my mind it was over and convincing myself to even give her another chance was very, very difficult. I definately wouldn't say that it was an impulse move to let her come back home. As a matter of fact, she still hasn't moved her stuff back in yet. The only thing she has here is a bag of clothes and it's been a month. Hell, we are still sleeping on a blowup air mattress. I'm not rushing into anything. I do know though, that I have to work on myself and hope that she is doing what she knows is right. I can't change anyone but myself.

As for just letting her go.. Who is to say the next one will be better? Or the one after that one? I know what the one I have now is capable of, I can only hope that she wants to be with me as much as she says she does.

Nothing against you Steve, it sounds to me that you have personal issues with relationships that you need to workout with yourself. I don't know you, or your history so I'm not trying to judge you, I'm just being honest.

I've seen people rebuild marriages and relationships from situations much worse then what I'm going through. I would have rather tried and failed, then never have tried at all.

^ You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I agree with you, however don't think I could over come that.

I have had trust issues with my wife for quite a while (she introduced herself as 23 or 24 when she was 27 or 28 and didn't tell me for almost a year. (INCLUDING a birthday where I gave her a card with an incorrect age on it)).

I feel VERY similarly to you... at one point my wife WAS a FANTASTIC gf and wife... and I was the dick who had all sorts of issues to work out on my own. And I think that's what I'm holding onto... However I've certainly come to a point where it's pretty obvious she's just not trying... Now I don't know if that's because she has her own demons to deal with before she can commit to making the relationship work or if she just doesn't have interest in making it work... but it's getting old.

Same time I COMPLETELY agree with you about leaving it to her to prove herself... and not in a high pressure way (IE she can't be proving herself 24 hrs a day everyday... some days she will be tired or in a bad mood herself) that seems to be my biggest problem at this point... I can't let all the little things go... she's not doing anything terrible but she's not trying and frankly that really hurts...

My only suggestion would be (and it is a bit extreme but frankly it's deserved)... Have a PI follow her... It will put you mind at ease and frankly I don't know how I'd manage to put mine at ease in the same situation w/o KNOWING... and there is NO way to KNOW short of having someone PROVE it.

Course I also wouldn't like the idea of sending some dude to go watch my wife at her every turn... but if she had cheated it would be that or I'd leave. That's one thing I just can't tolerate.

Cheating is about self-validation, and unfortunately keeping a relationship with the person you cheated on CAN have the EXACT same motivation. Be VERY critical of where you see her motivation coming from.

Another thing that everyone here needs to keep in mind is that she hadn't ever been with anyone else... that alone could be enough to fuel a cheat. Although satisfiing curiosity is a VERY slippery slope.

ANYWAY I've rambled enough... I truly wish you ALL the best and hope it all works out in the long run.

Keep in mind that damn near EVERYONE's parents have stories they never would or should share with their kids.

It doesn't really matter anymore. The week before last she started acting really strange again, which caused me to get suspicious quickly. I started seeing a number come up on her cell phone that said Incoming call from her own number. I knew something was up, I just wasn't sure what. Two days in a row she came home late after getting off of work fairly early. Both of those days I saw the same thing, Incoming Call from her number.

I called Cingular and they told me that, that means it is a blocked or unlisted number. I called her and confronted her about it, she insisted nothing was going on and she wasn't talking to anyone. Then she said "It's just a friend". I fucking lost it. I didn't even care anymore. I told her to pack her shit up and get the hell out and I didn't want to see her face until the divorce.

So, here we are.. A week and a half later and I'm happier then ever! I don't miss her at all. I was so fed up with the bullshit and the games I was stressed out over just about everything. It's so nice going and hanging out with whoever the hell I want, and living a stress free life again. I sleep well at night, knowing that I gave it my 110%.

One a cheater always a cheater....

It's probably best this way anyways. good effort and i'm sorry for your marriage. be thankful there were no kids yet.

Yup, for sure.. It is definately the best for me. I've been enjoying myself and my freedom lately. Going out with friends having a good time. I forgot how much fun it was just to go out and hit on girls that you don't know. Oh, and I've found a whole new respect for alcohol. :D

Gotta agree with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" comment. I have much respect for you forgiving her once but not again; I once went with the 3-strikes-out rule and it was much harder than if I had just kicked her out after the first or second time. Good to hear you're enjoying time out with friends... getting boozed up and hitting on boozed up girls is what I enjoy most. :)

I'm trying to get Addict to hook me up with some of his wife's stripper friends. :D Just to say I did. ;)

Another friend said he will take me up to OSU one of these weekends and show me what real easy party girls are like :D

Dude. I honestly hope everything works out for you! You are a great guy and deserve the best. Have fun, and enjoy the booze;)

Haha.. Thanks bro.. I'm loving the alcohol. :bow:

amen to that.. i'm boozing right along with you man. women suck, that's why we like them though.

I have dumbbell curls to keep me busy during the week and 16 ounce curls for the weekend.

You should soon get into the 40oz curls soon.

I do 42 ounce curls when I got to Mexican Resturaunt. :D

Hey, what do you guys think? I'm suppose to have a date with this chick in the next few weeks. She's a nurse and a Country Music promoter that rides ATVs and has a kickass attitude towards stuff.

um.. hit it

Haha. We'll see what happens. I've know her for years, but I haven't talked to her for probably 8 or so. I sent her a message yesterday, and she gave me her number. I guess she was married for two years and her husband cheated on her too.

Hmmm....couldn't hurt

x10

DO it man. Go out and have fun. Whatcha gotta lose?

Notta damn thing at this point. :D The only thing I had was my sanity, and thats been gone for a while.

Exactly. THat's what I said when I broke up with my ex. I was trying to be the nice guy then I found out she was with another dude. So I was like fuck it. I'm going out. And I did...met some amazing people and women also.