Max Pun! you know... like maxpayne. but funnier.

[Maxvla]

sorry i missed 12 noon today... boss called me in early today.

here's #4 (those of you greater in years may have a better chance to get the humor)

Joe is a bus driver living in Boston. He needs s job, and finally finds one at Children's Television Workshop, which produces Sesame Street. They film the shows at the studios of WGBH, the public television station. The driver's job is to pick up all the kids in a big school bus and take them to the studio. He knows where to pick them up, but not their names. So he goes to the first stop, and there is a very fat piggy little girl with ringlets in her hair. She gets on the bus and introduces herself -- "Hi. My name's Patty". Then Joe goes to the next stop. There waiting is another very fat little girl. She gets on and introduces herself "Hi. My name's Patty, too." At the next stop is a really cute little boy with neatly combed hair, an Eton jacket and short pants. When he gets on, he introduces himself to Joe: "Hi. My name's Ross.
There are two Rosses who ride this bus, but I'm very gifted, so I'm known as Special Ross." Ross sits down politely, and Joe goes on. At the next stop he picks up a very nice looking boy, who introduces himself. "Hi. I'm Leonard Reese." Leonard goes and sits down, but instead of just looking out the window, he does something really disgusting: He removes his shoes and socks, and starts pulling the skin off the sides of his feet. Joe, the driver, is so turned off, that he decides to quit the job. He deposits the kids at WGBH, then goes back to Children's Television Workshop headquarters and throws down his driver's cap.
"I quit. I can take a lot of shenanigans from kids, but I
don't want to have to deal with two obese Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Reese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

#5 later tonite... enjoy.

[SilverHX4Me]

good one :D

[Chief]

Got more??? I'm getting a kick out of reading these... :D :D :D

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

Good one, I'll be waiting for the next one :yes:

[Maxvla]

ok im going to bed at a reasonable time tonite.... so you get #5 early.

In the city of Moscow, there lived a communist named Rudolph. One day the weather suddently turned terrible.
"Goodness", exclaimed his wife, "snow."
"No," said Rudolph,"it's rain!"
"I still stay it's snow," yelled the wife.
"Look,", he insisted,"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
;)

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

Lol, I'm not so sure about that one :crazy: :paranoid:

[ebpda9]

lmao

[KwikR6]

Good stuff.....good good stuff.:D

[Maxvla]

#6

Here's an old one my uncle told me....
One day in the forest, the little tree got to wondering what kind of tree
he was. A woodpecker happened along the little guy as he was pondering
this. He asked the bird. That big tree over there looks old and wise.
I bet it knows who my parents were, but it can't hear me from here. Do
you think you could fly over there and ask it if I am a son of a birch or a
son of a beech? The little bird agreed and flew off. He was gone for quite
a while. When he returned, the little tree asked expectedly for the reply
and the bird said "I don't know, but that was the best piece of ash I've had
my pecker in in a while!"

[Maxvla]

didnt like that one eh?
here's one for you simple folk.

#7
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to
Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked
and there were no other planes available. Someone came up
with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five
a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly
bird gets the urn".

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

LMAO, I log on to find not one, but two new puns! Keep it up Maxvla :D

[Maxvla]

well i missed today at noon due to work AGAIN!!!!
and midnight was right on the stroke of 12. so...

sundays noon will be early cause i'll be glued to the tube at 11:30 for the nascar race.

[Maxvla]

8

A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt.
He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old
Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his
associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had
left and was immediately recaptured.
Moral of the story--Warning! The searchin' general has determined
that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

:D :D Keep 'em coming! :D :D

[Maxvla]

9

A man escaped from an asylum for the insane and raped a woman. The
next day the headlines read:

"Nut Bolts and Screws"

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

LMAO, good one :D I don't know why I get a kick out of these so much, but I just do:D :paranoid:

[Maxvla]

i see we have a bunch of computer nerds here... j/k
this one goes out to all the people that consider their mouse to be an extension of one's body.

Here at Tandem Computers, we have a "directory search" program (to find the
telephone numbers of employees etc) called TELE. In TELE the prompt is a ?,
and you enter to search for. E.g., like this:

?gimme fire

To which TELE responds:

No matches found

[Maxvla]

11

pre-pun question... what would the world be without electricity?

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor.
Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route,
collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it is
this beautiful woman. She had curves in all the right places, her skin was
just tan enough to give a healthy look.. well, you know what I mean.
So, he asked her for her ticket:
"Excuse me ma'ma, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," she
replied.
"Sorry, ma'am can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed
her by the scruff of the neck and THREW her out of the train. Well, she
landed on the tracks, was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was
arrested, thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his
peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like
for his last meal. He ask of a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it,
received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner
strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the BIG switch once,
and NOTHING HAPPENED. So, he did it again, and NOTHING HAPPENED. Well, by
law the conductor was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a condustor!
One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mithtake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened-- the boy was thrown off the train and
killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electricution.It came
to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his
meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they where
smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up
the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-
puller pulled the switch once, and NOTHING HAPPENED. The switch-puller pulled
the switch twice, and NOTHING HAPPENED, not even a single hair raising on the
guy's chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.
This time is was a rabbai. Same old stuff. Rabbai had no ticket (he
forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbai died. Guy was arrested,
convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked
for a banana. He ate it, received last rights, and was escorted to the
chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it RIGHT! They
scrubbed his body with s brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool.
They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, NOTHING HAPPENED.
Threw the switch asecond time, NOTHING HAPPENED. At this point the guy was
legally dead, etc, etc.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated
(he'd seen this same guy THREE TIMES already). asked, "What is it with the
banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
So, the executioner SCREAMED, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

:D I'm not sure about the last one though :crazy:

[Maxvla]

12

Once upon a time there were two men wandering around in Death Valley. Why you
may ask were they in Death Valley. The reason was that Indiana depressed them,
but I digress. During their wanderings, they came across a lever in the sand
with a sign attached to it. The sign read 'PULL LEVER TO END THE WORLD'. This
frightened the two men to a point which they thought that they should do
something to keep any person from pulling the lever on purpose or by accident.
The first thing they tried to do was destroy the lever, but to their dismay
the lever was indestructible. They next tried to bury the lever but found
that any sand piled on top of the lever was magically swept away within
seconds. After a few days worth of thinking, one of the men, call him Joe
for want of a better name, came up with what he thought was a brilliant
plan. After discussing his idea with Bill (the other man in this story),
they ran all the way into the nearest town. This in itself was no small
feat because the nearest town was 47 miles away. In this town Joe and
Bill bought themselves a 30 foot Python and named him Nate. Joe and Bill
then took Nate out to where the lever was and spent the next two weeks
training Nate to hiss at anybody who got within ten feet of the lever. Nate
got very good at protecting the lever and Joe and Bill were satisfied that
the lever would never be pulled. After Joe and Bill returned to the town, they
soon began bragging about what they has accomplished. This brought their work
to the attention of the Humane Society. A few days after their return, a
representative of the Humane Society informed them that they could not leave
Nate unprotected in the desert without risking legal action against themselves.
Bill and Joe then went to the local pet store and bought Nate a Python house
and dragged it the 47 miles out to where the lever stood and built it for Nate.
The house went up easily, but Joe and Bill had to re-train Nate to stay in his
house and whenever someone got too close to the lever, to leave his house and
to hiss the person away. Joe and Bill were again rather proud of what they
did and made their way back to town. Just as they entered the city limits,
the representative of the Humane Society met them there. "I'm sorry," said
the rep, "but the law states that you need a source of water for your snake
out in the desert". The rep suggested that they install a swimming pool for
Nate and they agreed. Joe and Bill then went to the town's swimming pool
center and bought the supplies for a nice Olympic sized pool for Nate. They
dragged the supplies the 47 miles out to Nate and installed the pool. Now
Bill and Joe had to re-re-train Nate. They had to teach him how to swim, to
leave the pool when someone got too close to the lever, and not to hiss at the
man who came once a week to fill his pool. This took another month because
Nate wasn't a very good swimmer. Joe and Bill were exhausted after this and
made their way to town taking their time. When they finally did get back, the
mayor of the town met them at the city limits with some bad news. "I just
found out" explained the mayor, "the state plans on building a highway that
goes right between Nate's house and the lever. So now Joe and Bill had to
re-re-re-train Nate. Now whenever someone got too close to the lever, Nate
had to leave his house, look both ways across the street and then hiss at the
person until they went away. This took another month, but the highway was
finally built and everything went rather well, expect for the occasional
hissing at by Nate at some highway worker who strayed too close to the lever.
Things went very well for the next ten years. One day, the man who filled
Nate's pool was on his way to do just that. There was an accident in the
road just before Nate's house. The driver had to swerve in order to avoid
the accident and ran right over Nate's house killing Nate. When asked later
why the driver chose to run over Nate's house rather than hitting the lever,
the driver replied "It was better Nate than Lever".

[Maxvla]

13

Scotland is a great place for fishing - people travel from all over Britain
to take part in the angling competitions held in Fifeshire. To keep the
visiting fishermen entertained in the evenings, one of the hotels decided
to stage a fish eating competition as well.

A dozen competitors sat at a long table with a supply of grilled fish fresh
from the nearby river and their choice of tipple to help wash it down.
The winner would be the one who could eat the greatest number of whole
fish in 15 minutes.

There were two favourites in the race who had done well in the previous
year's competition. Local man John Hicks was well-known for his appetite,
and Steven Coleridge from London was also strongly fancied although he
didn't have access to the same sort of training facilities during the
year.

At first, Hicks surged ahead and had devoured three fish in the first
five minutes. But Coleridge was close behind him and finished his third
fish after seven minutes. The rest of the field were rank amateurs by
comparison and most were only there for the free drinks.

Hicks continued to lead for most of the alloted time, until suddenly
there was a loud crunching sound and he cried out in pain. He had
bitten a hard piece of bone and dislodged a molar; after consuming
eight fish he couldn't continue. Coleridge was unfazed and kept
chewing at his relentless pace. By the end of the fifteen minutes,
Coleridge had edged past his rival to win the competition.

The headline in the paper next day read:
"One tooth free for Fife's Hicks, Steven ate nine tench"

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

:o These are getting a little bit corny... any really clever ones? :paranoid:

[Maxvla]

umm i'll try.

[Maxvla]

14

this ones a bit better.

A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking
for something to eat. He came across two men, one sitting under
a tree reading a book and the other typing away at his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured
him instantly. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers
digest and writers cramp.

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

Lol, that one was funny :D

[Maxvla]

15 ive got your corny right here.

There was a time when, up in Alaska, the marijauna trade was quite large.
Fortunately, there were always very good police task forces to deal with the
problem. So good, were they, in fact, that in one single raid, they were able
to seize a good portion of the illegal drug that had been produced that year.
Unfortunately, however, since the seizure was well over 800 lbs of marijauna,
no one knew quite what to do with it. Several ideas were passed around, and
finally it was agreed upon that the illegal drug would be burned. So, they
started the fire, and had several workmen wearing respirators tossing the
marijauna onto the bonfire.
It was a great idea, at it's core, and it was working great. However,
they understood the error of their ways and the effect it was having on the
environment shortly after the following event occurred:
A flock of terns happened to be heading south for the winter, and thier
flight path was directly over the great bonfire. They thought nothing of it,
and proceeded to fly directly into the great cloud of billowing smoke.
Upon leaving the cloud, though, the entire flock mysteriously turn around
a full 180 degrees and headed back into the cloud. The effect of this, was,
unfortunately, to leave no tern un-stoned.

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

Lol, I liked that one too :D

[Maxvla]

16 - ive seen this one a long time ago but its pretty good.

One day Mr. Goodbar decided he needed a Bit-O-Honey.
He went to Miss Hershey.
He took her behind the Powerhouse
Where he felt her Mounds
Which were pure Almond Joy.
She Snickered as he put his Butterfinger
Up her Milky Way.
She screamed, "O Henry," and squeezed his Nutty Buddy.

Results: BABY RUTH.

[NooNz]

haha..remember that one...but heard a slight different version of it.....but same plot...

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

:D :D :D :D :paranoid: