Wren57
05-02-2005, 01:39 PM
One of my workout friends sent me this today. Had to share:
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team
30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me.
She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is
by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin , cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find
me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answer ing
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my
planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I
will also pray that next year, my wife (the *****), will choose a gift
for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team
30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me.
She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is
by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin , cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find
me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answer ing
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my
planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I
will also pray that next year, my wife (the *****), will choose a gift
for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.