Accord Man
07-30-2003, 03:18 PM
A TEENAGERS GUIDE TO WOMEN
READ CAREFULLY YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING BOY!
---------------------------------------------
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving
straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like
you're paying by the hour and trying to get your
money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid
at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
birthday cake. That hurts!
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine
strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across
your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a house-
wife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their
hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a
woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying
to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is
good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where
you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like
you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area.
Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation
points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is
not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville
East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast
areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as
you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start
paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in
the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and
underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just
ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is
the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very
unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of
the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't
pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet
back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not
there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking
stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her
like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her
gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling
the material up between her thighs and yanking it back
and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men
can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your
hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but
if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her
clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then
gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give
her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood.
Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by
stripping before she's at least made some move toward
getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a
couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and
underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-
vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump
away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel
like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight,
alternating thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular
hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal
to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a
few short moments.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason.
If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes,
make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure
too. Or you might find yourself alone with your hand the
next time you're feeling amorous.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that
humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a
sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb
vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so
she has something to hold her interest while you're
playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be
able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a
giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or
flicking your tongue on her clitoris. Lap like a cat,
just don't act like one.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this
until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead
very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.
It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by
their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use
yours; try talking seductively to her. Or even better,
do her first, you'll be surprised what a woman will do
after a man has had his face between her legs.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes
like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody
likes that taste. When she's performing oral sex, warn
her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust.
She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there and enjoy it. And don't grab her head. Women
don't like that!
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In
X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejacu-
late over them. In real life, it just means more laundry
to do. So don't do it, unless asked.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be
on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she
doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest. Top is a fine place
for women to control their own orgasm, just don't make
it into work.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN
ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not
being able to follow directions. If you want to put it
there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a
photo of you?" she'll hear the words, "__to show my
buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is
anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables,
ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax
and permanent dye are a no no. Whipcream is best for
giving head, so you might want to have some near by.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no
less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do
advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you
want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully:
Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert
some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you
do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement
like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely
magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes
nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish
the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
she might even do the same for you. Real me take pro-
per care of their woman's needs.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than
women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will
turn blue. Use your elbows to support your weight - all
the time!
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex
with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
-- Helpful hints from Kristen's collection ------------
READ CAREFULLY YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING BOY!
---------------------------------------------
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving
straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like
you're paying by the hour and trying to get your
money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid
at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
birthday cake. That hurts!
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine
strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across
your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a house-
wife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their
hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a
woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying
to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is
good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where
you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like
you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area.
Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation
points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is
not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville
East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast
areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as
you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start
paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in
the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and
underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just
ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is
the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very
unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of
the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't
pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet
back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not
there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking
stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her
like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her
gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling
the material up between her thighs and yanking it back
and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men
can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your
hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but
if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her
clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then
gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give
her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood.
Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by
stripping before she's at least made some move toward
getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a
couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and
underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-
vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump
away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel
like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight,
alternating thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular
hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal
to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a
few short moments.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason.
If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes,
make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure
too. Or you might find yourself alone with your hand the
next time you're feeling amorous.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that
humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a
sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb
vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so
she has something to hold her interest while you're
playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be
able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a
giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or
flicking your tongue on her clitoris. Lap like a cat,
just don't act like one.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this
until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead
very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.
It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by
their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use
yours; try talking seductively to her. Or even better,
do her first, you'll be surprised what a woman will do
after a man has had his face between her legs.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes
like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody
likes that taste. When she's performing oral sex, warn
her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust.
She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there and enjoy it. And don't grab her head. Women
don't like that!
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In
X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejacu-
late over them. In real life, it just means more laundry
to do. So don't do it, unless asked.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be
on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she
doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest. Top is a fine place
for women to control their own orgasm, just don't make
it into work.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN
ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not
being able to follow directions. If you want to put it
there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a
photo of you?" she'll hear the words, "__to show my
buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is
anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables,
ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax
and permanent dye are a no no. Whipcream is best for
giving head, so you might want to have some near by.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no
less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do
advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you
want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully:
Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert
some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you
do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement
like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely
magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes
nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish
the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
she might even do the same for you. Real me take pro-
per care of their woman's needs.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than
women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will
turn blue. Use your elbows to support your weight - all
the time!
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex
with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
-- Helpful hints from Kristen's collection ------------