Taking a shower.

[msvtec14]

Maybe this is a repost but it's pretty funny. Someone just sent it to me.

How to Shower Like a Woman
**************************
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband had been eating your ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
************************
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.

[msvtec14]

I just need to say that the part about the guys is way funnier.

[autocrossthugg]

lmfao:) :)

[94_AcCoRd_EX]

Originally posted by msvtec14

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Hehe those are too funny :D

[msvtec14]

I've seen a lot of this stuff happen.

[ebpda9]

lofl

[maikoshi]

Oh my gawwwwwdddd the guy part is so true. :D

[firstgeardude]

LMAO :D:D

[pdiggitydogg]

lol didnt we have this up a few months ago? its still good though :D

[Whiteclipse99]

Originally posted by pdiggitydogg
lol didnt we have this up a few months ago? its still good though :D


Yeah we did, but still makes me laugh! :yes:

[msvtec14]

Ok, do any of you guys/girls do anything weird in the shower? Anyone ever fall asleep in there?

[JTsn2Bfst]

I was doin naughty:bandit: things in the shower with my gurl at the time and it was kinda slippery an we both fell.... no one was hurt but it almost ruined the mood......

[Shot 2 Hel]

ive seen it before but it still makes me smile

[mylittlecivic]

LOL that is absolutely hillarious!

[ifeldwn02]

seen it before but some parts r true or r they :no: :yes: :no: :yes: :confused:

[Spitty]

LMFAO!

[HondaTypeJ]

My room mate who smells like butt odor should read that...

[GirlRacer]

Originally posted by msvtec14
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas

I don't think I'd ever do this, I'm not really that shy... my husband (given that I had one) would probablynot see any covered areas after a shower till I got my night clothes on.

Given that I chose to wear clothes. lol:yes: ;)

[HondaTypeJ]

;(

[GirlRacer]

Why the crying face?

[HondaTypeJ]

;)

[mt.biker]

Originally posted by HondaTypeJ
My room mate who smells like butt odor should read that...

If I had a room mate who smelled bad I would take him/her outside and hose him/her off. This probably wouldn't go over so well with a female room mate, so maybe buy her some bath supplies.

I laughed a good one when reading the male's version.. haha good stuff

[msvtec14]

Originally posted by JTsn2Bfst
I was doin naughty:bandit: things in the shower with my gurl at the time and it was kinda slippery an we both fell.... no one was hurt but it almost ruined the mood......

Yeah, I hear you on that. That is always fun but it can be very dangerous too.

[SolPol]

Originally posted by msvtec14
Ok, do any of you guys/girls do anything weird in the shower? Anyone ever fall asleep in there?

Sure. Hasn't everyone? :confused:

[msvtec14]

Originally posted by SolPol
Sure. Hasn't everyone? :confused:

I don't know but I know that I have fallen asleep in there before. Hey, did you go on Sat? I had some difficulties in NYC and I never got there because I was so pissed off with the drive at that point.

[SolPol]

Nah, no one else could come this weekend and I didn't feel like making the drive myself. They should be back around later on this spring and summer. And probably closer too. ;)

[msvtec14]

We made it as far as the George Washington Bridge and then after turning around a bunch of times (Because MAPQUEST BLOWS), we decided to just head back. The directions we got made no sense what so ever. What it said on the directions was not at all what it actually said on signs in terms on interstates and routes.

[SolPol]

Yeah, sometimes MapQuest is just WAY off. You belong to AAA? They will give you free directions and a map to anywhere you wanna go.

[msvtec14]

Originally posted by SolPol
Yeah, sometimes MapQuest is just WAY off. You belong to AAA? They will give you free directions and a map to anywhere you wanna go.

Yeah, that's what someone told me. I don't have AAA but next time I go somewhere, I'm going to ask someone that has it to get directions for me. One time I went up to VT with a friend that got AAA directions but he's dyslexic and he apparently wrote them down all wrong. That sucked.

[SolPol]

They'll give you a whole package of stuff though. Maps and stuff that tehy make up for you special. I think they do it for non members for a nominal fee as well.

[msvtec14]

I was so shocked at the fact that MapQuest failed me though. I have never had an issue with it before. I'll never trust that shat again.

[SolPol]

Yeah, when you try to go long distances they can get a little iffy

[msvtec14]

I'm going to wipe my ass with those directions. Seriously. It took us long enough to actually get into NY only to get f*cked by those directions. Oh well, it turned out to be a fun night anyway.

[SolPol]

That's all that matters then. :yes:

BTW, love the Jack Handey quote. Another one of his I always liked: The other crows seem to be calling my name thought Caw.

[HondaTypeJ]

Originally posted by msvtec14
I'm going to wipe my ass with those directions. Seriously.
rofl :D

[msvtec14]

You like Jack Handey? Here are some more for you...

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Ok, I could go on for awhile but I'm just going to stop at this point.

[msvtec14]

Originally posted by HondaTypeJ
rofl :D

No dude, I'm really going to though. Me and my friend that were put through hell with those directions are going to. We promised one another. I've been crumpling the paper over and over again to soften it up so I don't hurt myself.

[HondaTypeJ]

Originally posted by msvtec14
I've been crumpling the paper over and over again to soften it up so I don't hurt myself.
lol. Your too funny. :tp:

[msvtec14]

Originally posted by HondaTypeJ
lol. Your too funny. :tp:

Thanks. ;) I'm not really sure if you're familiar with over here but we drove around like assholes. Back and forth, back and forth in BUMPER to BUMPER traffic for hours because of what it said on those toilet paper directions. And I REALLY wanted to check out this car show. We had to get off the damn highway 3 times just to make bathroom stops from going back and forth on the Whitestone and George Washington bridges. In no way, shape or form did they make any sense. I should somehow find a mailing address for MapQuest and mail them "my thoughts".

[SolPol]

Those are all great. I've heard most of them.

Forgot about this one:

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

That's one of my favorites. Isn't there one about a kid in DisneyLand too? Also love the God crying one.

Thanks, needed the laugh today. ;)

[msvtec14]

Um, about the Disneyland one...I can remember one that's about a kid being told that he's being taken to Disneyland but then he just gets taken to some old vacant barn or something like that.

[SolPol]

Yeah, it was definitely something like that. It's gonna drive me nuts now. That sounds about right though. That guy is hilarious.

[HondaTypeJ]

Tell me about it. I used map quest to go from Los Angeles to this remote place in San Fransisco and it gave me these ass backward directions and I ended up nowhere NEAR where I was supposed to go. I emailed Mapquest and complained and they said they werent responsible for road closures, roads that no longer existed, etc. where THERE WASNT EVEN ANY ON MY ROUTE! I followed EXACTLY what the directions said, street by street, freeway by freeway and it STILL took me the wrong way. I replied to Mapquest saying that THEY should be responsible for such stuff like that being that they are providing a service that thousands of people use everyday and that they needed to be on top of it. Never again will I use Map Quest. I am a AAA member and love the free maps and directions

[msvtec14]

Yeah but I think that they have some stupid disclosure on there that basically states that if you get lost and want to wipe your ass with their stupid directions, it's not their fault. Well, it doesn't really say that but you know what I mean. F*CK MapQuest and the horse it rode in on.

*One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over the the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.*

[HondaTypeJ]

Originally posted by msvtec14
"Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke"
Dood, your a riot... :D

[msvtec14]

Originally posted by HondaTypeJ
Dood, your a riot... :D


Those aren't the words of Melissa. Those are the words of the great Jack Handey. There's a whole bunch of them.

[msvtec14]

But thank you for thinking it was me ;)

[SolPol]

That was it, I was coming home and I remembered it was something about a fire. Thanks, you rule :yes:

[NOTaminivan]

to all you jack handey fans, this will provide hours of laughter

http://www.tremorseven.com/aim/deepaim.php?job=view

btw, im new here, (first post), just wanted to say hi to everyone.
i bought a 2003 blue civic si about 6 weeks ago, i want to do a few things to it, but am kinda worried about voiding the warranty, so im just gonna save up some money and do it later on, see you all around!

[msvtec14]

Originally posted by NOTaminivan
to all you jack handey fans, this will provide hours of laughter

http://www.tremorseven.com/aim/deepaim.php?job=view

btw, im new here, (first post), just wanted to say hi to everyone.
i bought a 2003 blue civic si about 6 weeks ago, i want to do a few things to it, but am kinda worried about voiding the warranty, so im just gonna save up some money and do it later on, see you all around!

Hey, welcome!!! Congratulations on your new purchase. Yeah, if I were you I would be worried about voiding that warranty as well. I bought my car with a warranty on it too and I waited until that was up until I did major modifications to it. In terms of your contribution to the Jack Handey conversation, thank you. We love him.

SolPol, dude. I think I'll be in NJ 3/23.

[SolPol]

What ya gonna be down in this pitiful state for? And what part? Maybe I'll see you.

We all know each other in Jersey ya know. ;)

[SolPol]

#67: As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

LMAO

[msvtec14]

I want to hang out with Jack Handey.

[SolPol]

Me too. I keep looking at the ones from that link up there. I'm just about falling off my chair at work here I'm laughing so hard :yes:

[msvtec14]

#32: I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

Ok, who comes up with this stuff?

[SolPol]

I wish I could. Sometimes I come up with stuff kinda like that, but that guy is just nutty. I love it.

[msvtec14]

Yeah but do you think that he actually writes that stuff or it someone else. It's so funny when you hear him actually say it because he sounds all intellectual.

[SolPol]

I know, I used to love when I saw it on SNL. With the little beach scene, "And now, Deep THoughts with Jack Handey." I think he does write them by the way. I dunno why but I think I've heard stuff about the guy and how wierd he is.

Wierd people rock.

[msvtec14]

Yeah, weird people are cool. But then there are people that are scary weird and that's just not cool at all.

[SolPol]

Yeah, it's a fine line. Fun to straddle that line on occasion, but the freaky wierd people are definitely just plain frightening.

[msvtec14]

I don't like shady people either.

[GirlRacer]

Holy Sh!t...... this thread has derailed, I repeat: DERAILED!

TOPIC IS SHOWERING PEOPLE C'MON!

We could have some fun w/this! haha;) :yes:

[cashizslick]

The showers at my school suck, the shower heads are so small - i never realized how much better the one at my house compared to these ones.

[ShEaNy]

lol funny

[msvtec14]

The showers at my house suck. Or maybe it's just the pipes which does not make sense as my house is fairly new. But when it's cold out, I'll get hot water for a few minutes and then the rest of the time it's pretty much cold. And it really pisses me off.

[SolPol]

The tile around my shower is coming up and the floor is weak in the one corner. My landlord is apparently pretty lazy.

[msvtec14]

One day when you're in the shower, the whole thing is going to crash through the ceiling of the people under you.

[SolPol]

I live in a house, so I would just land in the basement. Unfortunately, I think one of my roommates and his gurlfriend like to do it down there. So that would be no good to land down there then.

Does anyone else think girl should be spelled gurl? That's how I like to spell it.

[msvtec14]

Well, is his room down there or do they just like to do in the basement?

[SolPol]

No his room is between mine and another roommates, so they like a lil privacy down there.

I just have to make sure never to touch that weight bench :paranoid:

[msvtec14]

That's just f*cked up. Not to mention, rude. One time after I had all these people over, I caught some people doing it in our guest bedroom and I woke them up bright and early the next day and made them wash all the bed linens and then I made them take the comforter to the dry cleaners.

[SolPol]

Well....it is his weight bench

[msvtec14]

Oh, ok. But if it was all of yours, then that would be a different story. I get really offended when people funk up my personal space. I HATE when people fart in my car.

[SolPol]

LOL.

You don't gotta tell me about people messing with your personal stuff though, it drives me freakin' crazy. And my roommates don't understand why I get upset. Nothing worse than coming home and finding people in my room. Or that they have been there. "Oh, I just had to get...." BS, stay out.

[msvtec14]

I buy this really expensive shampoo and I don't know what my brother does with it but it'll be full one day and then the next day the bottle will be all empty. Or he'll shave god knows what in the shower and then I will go in there and it will look like a wig blew up in there. :pukey

[SolPol]

Oh yummy. That's a fun thought :pukey

[msvtec14]

Ewe. Some guys are straight up nasty when it comes to the bathroom.

[SolPol]

Hey hey, I seen some girls mess them up pretty bad too